Professional Help Comic Strips - Page 46

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463 Results for Professional Help

View 451 - 460 results for professional help comic strips. Discover the best "Professional Help" comics from Dilbert.com.

Alice And Blockchain

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Alice And Blockchain - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, project, learn, skills

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alice: i'd like to help on the blockchain project to build my skills in that area. boss: i don't like it when people learn new things. alice: i don't know what to say to that. boss: oh, good. it worked.

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Need Boss To Make Decision

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Need Boss To Make Decision - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags argument, boss, decision, engineering, knowledge, marketing, office workers, sarcasm, technology

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Dilbert: We need your help making a decision. Jeff doesn't understand my product strategy because he isn't an engineer. And I don't understand any of his marketing nonsense. That's why we came to you. Boss: Because I understand both marketing and engineering? Dilbert: No, it's because you don't understand either one. We didn't have a coin to flip, and your decisions are totally random, so... Boss: Maybe you could describe the situation. Dilbert: I don't see how that helps.

Wally Took Notes

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Wally Took Notes - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, co-workers, forward, hungry, insults, intelligence, managers & supervisors, meeting, notes, pandemic, release, schedule, snack, technology, version, covid

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staff in conference room and all wearing face masks. dilbert: we agreed at our last meeting to postpone the version release. tina: no, we agreed to do it sooner. dilbert: i don't think so. who took notes at the last meeting? wally: i did. click wally: forwarding those notes to each of you. dilbert: um...your notes are mostly insults about the intelligence of your co-workers and...some sort of snack list. this is no help at all. wally: don't blame me. i'm not the one who schedules these meetings when i'm hungry.

Asok Analysis

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Asok Analysis - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business ethics, decision, managers & supervisors, numbers, analysis, experience, liars, department

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boss: put some numbers on this decision so it looks a if we thought about it longer. asok: are you seriously telling me to do the analysis after the decision? boss: if you need help, talk to one of the experienced liars in the department.

It Is A Burden To Know You

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It Is A Burden To Know You - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, office workers, technology, video, assignment, homework, helpful, enemies

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co-worker: did you watch the video i sent? dilbert: it's a burden to know you because you keep assigning me homework. co-worker: i'm trying to be helpful. dilbert: can you help my enemies instead?

Doubled Income

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Doubled Income - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, sarcasm, business, income, double, insincere, gesture, pandemic, people, suffering, coronavirus, appearance, empathy, face mask

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boss: we doubled our income during the pandemic, and it isn't a good look. we need to make some sort of insincere gesture of support for people who are suffering. dilbert: or we could actually help people. boss: i'm thinking more along the lines of a sign in the foyer.

Conflict Resolution

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Conflict Resolution - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, anger, office workers, conflict, resolution, discussion, temperature, idiots, yammering, sarcasm, insult

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boss: i couldn't help noticing you are having a heated discussion. watch me use my conflict resolution skills to lower the temperature. okay, what were you idiots yammering about? tina: solid start.

Wally Helps Coworkers

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Wally Helps Coworkers - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags accomplish, business, claim, co-workers, critical, help, lie, managers & supervisors, problem, teamwork, validate, face mask

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boss: what did you accomplish this week? wally: i helped several of my co-workers solve critical problems. boss: and if i asked them to validate your claim? wally: they're all huge liars.

Dogbert Is Doctor Of Impossible

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Dogbert Is Doctor Of Impossible - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags boring, business, cure, diseases, doctor, fail, headache, ice-cold bath, impossible, improvement, medical, prescribe, sarcasm, treatments, health and wellnes

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dogbert: i'm dogbert, doctor of the impossible. boss: does that mean you cure diseases that are believed to be impossible to cure? dogbert: no, that sounds boring. i prescribe treatments that are impossible to follow. when you fail you don't get better. you'll think it's your own fault. boss: how does that help anyone but you? dogbert: hey, i'm not the one who brought it up. boss: you're giving me a headache. dogbert: to cure that, i suggest ice-cold baths every six minutes.

Industry Trends

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Industry Trends - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, technology, industry, trend, luck, act, fast, change, increase, profits, advantage, future, bogus, training, program, company

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in board room. boss: industry trends just turned our way by total luck. we have to act fast! i need to implement some kind of change so it looks as if i caused the increase in profits that will happen anyway. does anyone have any ideas? dilbert: no, because we're already perfectly situated to take advantage of the trend. boss upset: that doesn't help me! i can't take credit for our future profits unless i do something i can say made a difference. dilbert: maybe you could implement some sort of bogus company culture training program. one week later. dogbert presenting on a stage: it's important to realize you're all idiots.