After Raises Comic Strips - Page 47
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474 Results for After Raises
View 461 - 470 results for after raises comic strips. Discover the best "After Raises" comics from Dilbert.com.
Saturday January 12,
2019
Ai Too Stupid To Be Dangerous
Tags #intelligence, #inventions, #robot, #technology, #Lottery, #humans, #smart
Transcript
Wally: Are you worried that the A.I. you created will take over the world? Dilbert: No, I modeled it after human intelligence so it won't be smart enough. Robot: Buwhahahahaha! I will buy lottery tickets and use my winnings to take over the world! Asok: Good luck.
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Tuesday February 12,
2019
Co2 Scrubber Too Efficient
Tags #earth, #mistake, #plants, #technology, #inventions, #atmosphere
Transcript
Dilbert: I've developed a super-efficient device that scrubs CO2 out of the air. But the user has to remember to turn it off after a few days or else it will remove too much CO2 and destroy all life on Earth. Man: Hey, who left this thing unplugged?
Sunday March 17,
2019
Tags #failure, #inventions, #office workers, #power, #science, #success
Transcript
Dilbert: I predict fusion power will be a big deal in fifteen years. Man: Fusion reactors are impossible to build and always will be. Dilbert: Then why are a dozen startups working on it? Man: Everyone who ever tried to create a fusion reactor has failed so far. Dilbert: Thomas Edison failed many times at making a useful incandescent light bulb before he succeeded. Would you have advised him to give up after the first ten failed attempts? I eagerly await your irrational response. Man: Incandescent bulbs are bad for the environment. Dilbert: And there it is.
Tuesday April 02,
2019
Not In My Town
Tags #business, #engineering, #office, #office workers, #nuclear
Transcript
dilbert: i engineered a totally safe design for nuclear power plants. ceo: how sure are you that it is safe? dilbert: one hundred percent. ceo: just keep it away from my town. dilbert: maybe it wasn't an engineering problem after all.
Sunday May 26,
2019
Tags #business, #employees, #office, #office workers, #pay raise, #employee of the year
Transcript
the boss: i'm looking for nominations for employee of the year. the boss: does anyone have a suggestion? dilbert: hypothetically, would the winner of this award be likely to get a larger-than-normal pay raise? the boss: i would think so, yes. dilbert: and is it true that our budget for raises is limited? the boss: yes, of course. dilbert: would it not be against my best interests to nominate an employee who is competing with me for scarce resources? the boss: let's just forget i brought it up. dilbert: i nominate myself.
Thursday October 31,
2019
Dogbert's Sensitivity Training
Tags #business, #office workers, #class, #training, #sensitivity, #offend, #kill, #hour
Transcript
dogbert: welcome to dogcart's sensitivity training dogbert passing out papers: today you will learn how to never offend anyone ever again class including dilbert: are you going to kill us? dogbert: no, no, no. after an hour of this class, you'll want to do it yourself.
Saturday November 16,
2019
Help Me With Something
Tags #office workers, #compensation, #system, #incentive, #budget, #limit, #smart, #business
Transcript
male office worker: can you help me with something? dilbert: no, our employee compensation system incentivizes me to let you fail so i can lay claim to a larger share of our limited budget for raises. maybe you could ask someone who is less aware. office worker: none of them are smart enough to help.
Sunday April 12,
2020
Loving Yourself
Tags #business, #managers & supervisors, #office workers, #philosophy, #self love, #evil, #ignorant, #selfish, #lazy, #love
Transcript
boss: philosophers say loving yourself is the greatest love of all. carol: do philosophers really say that? boss: all the good ones do. after years of trying, i have finally learned to love myself. carol: i'm no philosopher, but instead of learning to love yourself the way you are... wouldn't it be better if you learned how to stop being an evil, ignorant, selfish piece of garbage. boss: that sounds a lot harder. carol: in other words, you are lazy. boss: i love that about me!
Sunday April 26,
2020
Dogbert Designs Headphones
Tags #design, #business, #headphones, #maximum, #customer, #annoyance, #charging, #port, #guess, #incorrect, #frustration, #fit, #customers, #ship, #user
Transcript
dogbert: i've designed these over-ear headphones for maximum customer annoyance. the charging port is only on one side, so the user has a fifty percent chance of guessing wrong. and the charger only fits if you put it right-side up. to increase the frustration, i made the plug look the same on both sides. best of all, the plug is so poorly designed that half the time it doesn't seem to fit, even when you put it in correctly. i made the headphones black, so you can't easily find the charger hole in low light. ninety percent of users will be cursing us every time they try to recharge. customers won't know any of this until after they purchase. boss: ship it.