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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags job description, mindless zombie, team work, wate time, tasks, waste time, never shows intitaive

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Wally: Should I waste my time doing tasks that are not in my job description? Or should I be a mindless zombie that shuns teamwork and never shows initiative? Take your time. I'm good either way.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags interviews, senior year, college, launch start ups, lifelong learning, technology certifictae, relevant to field, uneducated, more experience then boss, education

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Applicant: I skipped my senior year of college to launch my first of three start-ups. I believe in lifelong learning. I have every technology certification relevant to my field. Boss: He's uneducated.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags mental health, crazy thought, witness, conference room, fresh heck, sadist, sociopath

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Dilbert: Wait. Hold that crazy thought. I need to get a witness in the room. Alice, would you mind coming to the conference room for a minute? Alice: What fresh heck is this? Dilbert: Larry is a sadist and a sociopath, but he hides it when there's more than one witness. So, Larry, what do you think of my project? Coworker: It looks great! I'll be happy to help you in any way I can! Alice: Am I done here? Dilbert: Don't turn your back!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags money, budget, last year objectives, huge loss, bottomline, punish siuccess, startegy, management

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Boss: We've been asked to cut our budget by 30%. Dilbert: That doesn't make sense. We met all of our objectives last year. Boss: A different part of our company had a huge loss. Dilbert: Shouldn't you cut their budget, not ours? Boss: Their budget isn't big enough to make a difference to the bottom line. Dilbert: So our strategy is to punish success, and reward failure? Boss: Just do your job and leave the strategy to management. Dilbert: Hypothetically, if I do my job poorly, would that be good or bad for me?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags bluetooth, bluetooth headset, cyborg, doctors, ear, full human, happiness, intraocular lenses, inventions, pill form, powered by chemistry, streaming video, surgically enbed, vision correction, dentits, special surgery, psychology

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Dilbert: I know I'd be happier as a cyborg than a full human. I want you to surgically embed a bluetooth headset in my ear, powered by my own body chemistry. And I'd like intra-ocular lenses with vision correction and streaming video over bluetooth. Doctor: Happiness only comes in pill form.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business failures/bankruptcies, too big to fail, two pigs, flail, clever, demoralizing

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Boss: Are we too big to fail? CEO: Nope. We're more like two pigs that flail. Boss: That's clever, and yet demoralizing. CEO: You're welcome.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dolls, dummy, treat customers, metaphor, stunned, employees shicked, boss demonstrates

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Boss: I'll use this dummy to demonstrate the way our company wants us to treat customers. Dilbert: We think it was meant as a metaphor, but there's no way to be sure.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags dueling, announcing stupid, dumbest person, history, moron, new cubicle, education

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Loud Howard meets Topper Coworker: I did something stupid today!!! Topper: That's nothing. I'm the dumbest person in the history of the universe!!! Together: I'm a moron!!! Dilbert: I need a new cubicle.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags boredom, meetings, topic, insincere input, virtulaize, process, cloud

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Wally: I remember a time when I had to listen to the topic at hand before adding my insincere input. I think we should virtualize the process and move it to the cloud. Boss: Hey, that's a great idea! Wally: Now it's just all too easy.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags internet & world wide web, decison, emailed, definition, sarcasm, internet, technology

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Dilbert: I need something called a "decision." You might not know what that word means, so I emailed you a link to its definition. How did people do sarcasm before the internet? Wally: Maybe they didn't need to.