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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 24, 1998's comic on:


Tags #meeting objectives, #accuracy of info, #facts, #guilty person

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Alice says, "Who said I wasn't meeting my objectives?" The Boss says, "I can't rememeber." Alice grimaces. The Boss says, "Therefore, I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of the information." Alice says, "Check the facts!" The Boss says, "That sounds like something a guilty person would say."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 22, 1994's comic on:


Tags #project plan, #every resource, #task, #dependency, #road map, #two weeks, #tasks, #two weeks late, #dependencies are wrong, #estimates, #to be determined, #ransom numbers, #redo whole plan

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Man: "Let's spend the next four hours reviewing the project plan." "I've detailed every resource, task and dependency into an exquisitely accurate road map." "It took me two weeks, but it's the only way to make sure we're not wasting time." Alice: "My tasks are two weeks late because I was waiting for your input." Dilbert: "And you left off one task, so all the dependencies are wrong." Wally: "I'm changing all of my estimate to 'to be determined'." Dilbert: "Can we do that? I've just been using random numbers." Man: "I'll have to redo the whole plan." Wally: "Don't worry. We won't do anything until we hear from you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 07, 1994's comic on:


Tags #new employee, #new engineer, #sarcasm, #shows around, #telephone, #cubicle, #hallway, #every foot staep, #bad points, #office tour, #crazy, #bad conditions, #employement

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The Boss: "Laurie's our new engineer. Show her the ropes, Dilbert." "I meant figuratively." Dilbert: "This is your anti-productivity pod." "It's equipped with a little device that rings anytime you try to concentrate." "The top is open so none of the background noise is inadvertently muffled." "And you're on the main aisle, so you'll be haunted every minute by footsteps behind you. Step...step...step." The Boss: "We need to talk."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 09, 1995's comic on:


Tags #person, #project, #headcount, #contract employee, #buy a computer, #over budget, #renting expensive, #Wally, #16 hour days, #boss thinks genius, #project cancelled

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Dilbert approaches the Boss and says, "We desperately need another person on my project!" The Boss replies, "We're already over headcount. Get a contract employee." Dilbert says, "Okay, but they cost twice as much." Dilbert says, "Plus we need to buy a computer." The Boss says, "Rent one. We're over our capital budget." Dilbert replies, "Renting is expensive. We'll go over our expense budget." The Boss says, "I'll fire Wally. That will free up some cash." Dilbert throws his arms up in frustration and says, "Wally's on my project!" Dilbert shouts, "Forget it! I'll just work sixteen hours a day!!" The Boss thinks, "That worked out perfectly. I think I might be a genius or something." The Boss sits at his desk and thinks, "I wonder if I should have told him the project was cancelled last week."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 06, 1995's comic on:


Tags #boss evil, #entity from another dimension, #synergies, #win win solution, #delight every customer, #new internet access, #tour of cubicles

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Dilbert lies on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The therapist asks, "When did you start believing that your boss was an evil entity from another dimension?" Dilbert imagines the Boss telling him, "I'd like to sit in on your customer meeting." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The Boss, Dilbert and a woman sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Let me share the high level strategic view." Dilbert thinks, "Here we go." The Boss spreads his arms and says, "Life began in the primordial stew literally hundreds of years ago . . ." The Boss continues, "But we are the only company who ever found synergies in our win-win solutions!" The caption says, "Two hours later." The Boss says, "And we won't sop until we delight every customer!" The woman looks shocked and Dilbert covers his eyes. The customer says, "I'd be delighted if you just told me about your new Internet access product." The Boss replies, "I cancelled the funding yesterday." The Boss stands up and says, "Who's up for a tour of our cubicles?" Dilbert says, "Gotta go."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 26, 1996's comic on:


Tags #business language, #competetive, #salary increase goodbye, #core business, #lost, #empowered, #unimportant deciosns, #reengineering, #essential, #people person, #canibal, #hire trained people, #market driven, #balme cutsomers, #value employee input, #hour, #important

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Dogbert sits at a desk. The panel is titled "Business Language Explained." Someone says, "We have to be more competitive." Dilbert and Wally wear barrels instead of clothing. Wally says, "Nice barrel." Dilbert replies, "This old thing?" The caption says, "Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases." Someone says, "We must focus on our core business." The Boss feels his head and says, "Hello." The caption says, "Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands." Someone says, "You are empowered." Alice sits at her desk wearing a crown and saying, "I proclaim this to be 'Green Ink Day.'" The caption says, "Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions." Someone says, "We're reengineering your function." A man and a horse are kicked out an office window. The caption says, "Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on." Someone says, "Training is essential." A man at a desk asks, "You were a cannibal?" A man wearing a grass skirt and a bone in his hair replies, "I'm a people person." The caption says, "Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people." Someone says, "We're market driven." A woman doing research asks a man, "What's your favorite odor?" The caption says, "Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation." Someone says, "We value employee input." Dilbert tells the Boss, "Thanks for listening." The Boss laughs hysterically. The caption says, "Meaning: We think humor is important."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 02, 1996's comic on:


Tags #complaining, #document, #office supplies, #out of ink, #person who asked, #requirement, #supply cabinet

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Dilbert: Carolf, I need yo document your procedure for ordering office supplies. Its and ISO 9000 requirement. Carol: If someone asks for something, I check first the supply cabinet first. Then I say, "Theres one left You can't have it because then we'd be all out" Carol: Then I spend the rest of the day complaining about the person who asked. Dilbert: Uh - Oh....Im out of ink.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 30, 1997's comic on:


Tags #security system, #cost fortune, #camera, #every room, #criminal activity, #fortress portected, #show kids, #stuff stolen

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Dilbert installs a panel on the wall. He tells Dogbert, "This security system cost a fortune but it's worth it." Dilbert says, "I put a camera in every room to deter any criminal activity." Dilbert says, "We may now go to the park knowing our fortress is protected." Dilbert and Dogbert sit on a park bench. A man walks by carrying a lamp. The man walks by carrying a couch. The man walks by carrying the cameras. He thinks, "I can't wait to show my kids what I do at work." Dilbert says, "I can only think of one thing worse than having all of my stuff stolen." Dilbert says, "And that is having some of it returned." The thief walks by with the couch. He says, "This thing is hideous in good light."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 09, 1997's comic on:


Tags #engineering conference, #most valuable asset, #decline, #overtime, #assets decline, #fine art, #every year, #louve, #certification of depreciation, #earned your air

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The Boss is on stage behind a podium and speaks to the crowd. "The theme of this engineering conference is..." Dilbert, Wally, and Alice sit in the front row. The Boss continues, "Employees are our most valuable asset." He says, "And lik emost assets, you decline in value over time." He says, "I know what you're thinking: Not all assets decline in value." He says, "For example, fine art is worth more every year." The Boss points to an image of Wally and says, "But I don't think the Louvre will be asking for one of these anytime soon." The Boss introduces Catbert and says, "On your way our, Mister Catbert will give each one of you a certificate of depreciation." Wally says, "It's still better than last year's theme, "Have you earned your air today?" Catbert hands Dilbert his award.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 03, 1999's comic on:


Tags #third person, #refer, #emphasize, #brand of greatness, #ruining, #good idea

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Dogbert dressed in a crown and sceptar says, to Bob, "Bob, from now on, I will refer to myself in the third person." Dogbert says, "Dogbert does this to emphasize his special brand of greatness." Bob says, "Bob thinks that is a good idea." Dogbert says, "Hey! You're ruining it!"