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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 05, 2008's comic on:


Tags #represent boss, #imitate hair style, #mocking, #silly, #anger

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Alice: My boss sent me to represent him at this meeting. Fuh-fuh-fuh everything costs too much. Fuh-fuh-fuh we don't have enough resources! Ted: That doesn't help us. Alice: Hey, I'm not the one who invited him."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 20, 2010's comic on:


Tags #new head regulator, #small man, #pocket, #pet head, #breast feed, #lactate, #kibble, #drinks, #ceo

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CEO says, "Have you met the new head regulator for our industry?" CEO says, "At first it was inconvenient to feed him." CEO says, "Luckily I started lactating." Man says, "Have you tried kibble?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 29, 2008's comic on:


Tags #eliminate bonuses, #savings used, #fun loving executives, #wear festive costumes, #sound of no money, #ceo's yacht, #whale oil, #bring harpoon, #happy about underpay

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The Boss says, "Our CEO decided to eliminated employee bonuses." The Boss says, "The savings will be used to produce an in-house movie to inspire you." Dilbert says, "Inspire us to do what?" The Boss says, "For starters, we'd like you to be happy about being underpaid." The Boss says, "Our fun-loving executives will wear festive costumes and sing about the virtues of poverty." The Boss says, "The movie is called 'The Sounds of No Money.'" The Boss says, "The premiere is on our CEO's yacht. He wants all of you to be there." Asok says, "We're invited to his yacht?" The Boss says, "The yacht runs on whale oil, so bring a harpoon."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 06, 2008's comic on:


Tags #after work, #bar, #date, #drink, #false sense, #group activity, #other people, #safety, #scam, #show up, #suspicious, #trick, #trust

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Dilbert says, "Some of us are going for a drink after work. Would you like to join us?" A woman says, "Nice try, but I know how this scam works." The woman says, "You're trying to lull me into a false sense of activity with a group activity." The woman says, "But we both know the other people will mysteriously never show up." The woman says, "Then it's just you and me on what looks like a date." Dilbert says, "How many people do I have to invite before you believe some of them will show up?" The woman says, "Well, given the disparity in our levels of attractiveness, I'd say thirty-five." Dilbert says, "Can do." The woman says, "Not one other person showed?" Dilbert says, "I only invited women who are more suspicious than you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 27, 2009's comic on:


Tags #meeting, #brilliant, #moron, #appearance, #superficial, #beard, #silent, #Funny, #business

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The Boss says, "I invited silent Gary to help us decide on a technology direction." The Boss says, "We think he's a genius because he has a beard and he never speaks." The Boss says, "Gary, do you think we should use open source software for our support platform?" The Boss says, "Here it comes. He's rubbing his beard and giving me creepy eye contact." THe Boss says, "I detect a slight hint of disgust. It means Gary hates the idea! The Boss says, "Yes, it's all so obvious now. This is the worst idea in the history of mankind." The Boss says, "THe meeting is over. Silent Gary has spoken." Dilbert says, "You're actually a moron, aren't you?" Gary says, "Don't ruin this for me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 10, 2003's comic on:


Tags #charging hours to project, #one meeting, #one hour, #extensive preparation, #evaluated, #57 hours, #sat quiet, #charging

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"Wally, why have you been charging all of your hours to my project?" "I invited you to one meeting. It lasted one hour." "Do you think I would go to a meeting without extensive preparation?" "Okay.. that's another hour." "How many more do you need explained?" "Fifty-eight." "After the meeting, I sat quietly and evaluated what everyone said. That took fity-seven hours." "Ha! You're still an hour short. Explain THAT!" "Do you mind if I sit quietly and think about that question for a while?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 27, 2002's comic on:


Tags #email, #engineer, #huge, #huge buzz, #huge success, #sales increase, #six emails, #track numbers, #engineering

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A coworker addresses the meeting, "The ad campaign was a huge, huge success!" The Boss responds, "Wow!" Dilbert responds, "Define 'huge, huge' success.' How much did sales increase?" The coworker replies, "We don't track those numbers." The coworker continues, "But I know the ad created a huge buzz because of all the e-mail I got the next day." Dilbert asks the coworker, "How many messages did you get?" The coworker responds, "Six. But that's a lot for one topic." The Boss exclaims, "Wow! Six!" Dilbert responds, "How many of the six were from your own employees?" The coworker turns to The Boss and asks, "Who invited the engineer?" The Boss replies, "I thought he was with you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 13, 2014's comic on:


Tags #close friends, #facebook, #fix problem, #friends, #liked, #posts, #seven friends, #therapy, #shrink, #popularity, #social media, #technology, #psychology

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Dilbert: No one "likes" my Facebook posts. woman: How many Facebook friends do you have? Dilbert: Seven. Woman: Are they close friends? Dilbert: How do you define close? Woman: Have you here invited any of these people to your house? Dilbert: Why would I do that? Woman: I can't fix your problem. SO instead , I'll plant some false memories and try to fox those later. Do you remember being a robot that was designed by alines? Dilbert: No. woman: are you sure? Dilbert: I was.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 26, 2014's comic on:


Tags #efficiency experts, #stress, #consultant, #booze muhkidney, #business travel, #nightmare, #business

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Boss: I hired a consultant from the respected firm Booz Muhkidney. Consultant: My life is a nightmare of business travel, loneliness, and sleep deprivation. I'm only 25 years old! Boss: It's a travel day. He'll calm down after he drinks lunch.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 25, 2015's comic on:


Tags #alienation, #deception, #strategy, #toxic, #toxic relationship, #work ethic, #useless, #ambitous, #meetings, #incomplete information, #anxious, #hateful

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Wally: I'm already useless, but I'm thinking about becoming toxic as well. Dilbert: That seems ambitious for you. Wally: Think it through. As a useless person, I still get invited to meetings because I don't cause much trouble. But if I go full-toxic, no one will invite me to meetings in the first place. I can avoid a lot of work by nipping it in the bud. Dilbert: Is it hard to be toxic? How do you do it? Wally: It's easy. All you do is provide incomplete information that makes people anxious and hateful. I can't tell you what was said in that last meeting, but I defended you.