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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 11, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #convince, #resign, #lurking, #sire, #usual, #pumishment, #blind, #date, #edna, #loneliest, #hun

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Dilbert stands in front of a castle door labeled "King Dogbert." Dilbert thinks, "I've got to convince him to resign." An Elbonian guard holds Dilbert by the arm and says to Dogbert, "I found him lurking, sire. The usual punishment?" Dilbert says, "Dogbert!" Dogbert, who is wearing a miter, says, "Dilbert!" Dilbert asks, "What is the usual punishment?" Dogbert replies, "A blind date with 'Edna the Loneliest Hun.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 03, 1996's comic on:


Tags #highly fragmented, #optimize heard drive, #vague, #one gig hard drive, #pentium processor

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Dilbert walks into the office building carrying a laptop computer in a case. A security guard with a huge head says to Dilbert, "Halt and submit to the mind scan of 'Brainitor, the Guardian of Security.'" Brainitor closes his eyes, puts his hands on his head and says, "The bag contains one computer . . . 'Pentium' processor . . . one gig hard drive . . . highly fragmented . . ." Brainitor continues, "Please wait while I optimize your hard disk . . ." Dilbert says, "This is vaguely unsettling."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 20, 1997's comic on:


Tags #bold commando, #relocates pc, #thwarting union rules, #moving computer, #police catch dilbert, #jailtime

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Dilbert wears a black hooded suit and carries a PC. He thinks, "The bold commando stealthily relocates his PC at night, thus thwarting burdensome union rules." A security guard pulls a gun on Dilbert and says, "Freeze, miscreant." Dilbert stands in a jail cell with two large men. He thinks, "I hope this works." One of the convicts says, "You don't look like Johnny Cash to me."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 26, 1995's comic on:


Tags #evaluates prey, #badge, #important decision maker, #low ranking employee, #coffee stain, #below stain, #rank, #make decsiosn, #Wally

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Dilbert stands at the security desk. The guard hands a vendor a visitor's badge and says, "Badge." The man thinks, "The clever salesman evaluates his prey." Dilbert pushes the elevator button. The man thinks, "I hope he's an important decision-maker." Dilbert tells the salesperson, "Take any seat. I call the good chair." The man thinks, "Warning! Cubicle! Low-ranking employee!" Dilbert draws a diagram and says, "Here's our organization chart: president . . . senior vice president . . . vice president . . ." Dilbert continues, "Okay, lift your foot. Do you see that coffee stain on the carpet?" The vendor asks, "That's you?" Dilbert replies, "No, that's my boss. I would be under the carpet." The salesman asks, "Do I have any hope of talking to somebody who can make a decision?" Dilbert replies, "Let me check." Dilbert peers over the wall into Wally's cubicle and says, "Hey, Wally, what's a 'decision'?" Wally replies, "It sounds like something our competitors do." The salesman covers his eyes and sobs.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 01, 1997's comic on:


Tags #boss, #umbrella, #doaked, #clothes microwave, #dry off, #tricked alice, #boss naked, #breakroom

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The Boss tells Dilbert and Wally, "I forgot my umbrella. I'm soaked." His clothes are dripping wet. Dilbert says, "Why don't you toss your clothes in the microwave and dry them off?" The Boss asks, "Would that work?" Dilbert and Wally are silent. The Boss stuffs his clothes in the microwave. Dilbert says, "Sixty minutes ought to do it." Wally covers his eyes because the Boss is naked. They shut the door on the Boss. Dilbert says, "We'll guard the door to the break room." As they walk away, Wally says, "You know, ever since the downsizing began, I've felt much less company loyalty." Dilbert says, "Me too." Alice asks, "Why are you two so happy?" Wally says, "There are free goodies in the break room."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 1999's comic on:


Tags #shot scapegoat, #nra cook off, #accusations started

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Dilbert walks with the scapegoat whose arm is in a sling. Dilbert says, "I'm sorry you got shot, scapegoat." The scapegoat says, "I'm used to it." The scapegoat says, "The worst was the day I blundered across the National Rifle Association's chili cook-off" The scapegoat says, "At first, verybody wanted to stand near me. Then the accusations started...."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 17, 1999's comic on:


Tags #security, #equipment removal, #authorization, #signatures, #turn tables, #sign form, #birth certificate

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Dilbert walks by the security desk with a computer part under his arm. The guard says, "Stop." The guard says, "Show me your "equipment removal authorization form." Dilbert shows him a piece of paper. The guard says, "This requires the signature of TWO employees." Dilbert hands the guard a pen and says, "Good catch. You'd better sign it so it's legal." The guard says, "This seems wrong... but I don't know why why." Dilbert says, "And I'll need to see your birth certificate" The guard says, "I don't have one." Dilbert says, "Then how do you know you were born?" The guard thinks, "I have baby pictures, but they could have been doctored by my alleged mom."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 20, 2002's comic on:


Tags #executive body guard class, #pounce, #kidnapper, #sacrifice yourself, #inside help, #reimburse

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The Boss approaches Carol at her desk and says, "Carol, I'm sending you to an executive bodyguard class." The Boss continues, "You'll learn how to pounce on a kidnapper and sacrifice yourself to keep me safe." Carol responds, "I'm taking a class called, 'inside help.'" The Boss says, "I can't reimburse for that."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 01, 2012's comic on:


Tags #computers & peripherals, #intelligence agencies, #national security, #unnamed government agency, #shadowy guy, #create computer virus, #elbonian missile factories

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Loud Howard: This shadowy guy is from an unnamed government agency!!! He wants us to create a computer virus to attach Elbonian missile factories!!! Dilbert: Is he from our government, Loud Howard? Loud Howard: Is that important?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 11, 2004's comic on:


Tags #security guard, #company owned assets, #under clothes, #smuggled out, #pilferage

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whoa! whoa! where do you think you're going? you look bloated today as if you have company -owned assets under your clothes. I need to stop relying on my instincts.