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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 2005's comic on:


Tags #broken promises, #scammers, #lies, #vendor, #salesman, #telling lies, #deadlines, #software, #few extras, #unfinished features, #engineering

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Vendor: We'll build your software with all the features you want plus a few extras. Dilbert: "Or maybe you'll start late and claim there's no way to do everything by the deadline." "Then you'll say that the unfinished features aren't important and you're losing money on the deal." Vendor: "I can't hear you."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

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"This week I tried to work, but pop-up messages kept telling me to update my computer's software." "I tried closing the pop-up windows, but they just kept coming back. There were too many of them!" "Did you upgrade your software?" "Great. I see whose side you're on."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 27, 2009's comic on:


Tags #telling, #story, #bored, #annoyed, #asking, #rude, #stupidity

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The Boss says, "And that was the last time I yanked a cable just to find out what would happen." Woman says, "How many inane stories do I have to hear before I can speak to someone who knows something?" The boss says, "She's a story hater."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 22, 2009's comic on:


Tags #telling, #confused, #relinquish, #change, #excuses, #reasoning

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The Boss says, "Tina, you can't work at home anymore because the admins can't do it, and they're jealous." Tina says, "I'm a technical writter. Why don't you explain to the admins that my job is different from theirs." The Boss says, "When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 08, 2009's comic on:


Tags #career, #mean, #plans, #murder, #nervous, #misunderstanding, #hatred

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The Boss says, "Carol, I'd like to talk to you about your career goals." Carol says, "My career goal is to take over the department by tricking you into a fatal accident, then telling everyone you're just working from home." The boss says, "That's not right." Carol says, "So you're saying I should set my goals low?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 28, 2009's comic on:


Tags #avoiding, #quitting, #communicating, #telling, #projecting

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The Boss says, "Ask Morgan what type of materials he recommends we should use for the case." Dibert says, "Morgan has no communication skills. Everything he knows is locked in his skull and will never come out." Dilbert says, "Is this going to look like my fault?" THe Boss says, "Quitter!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 27, 2008's comic on:


Tags #hold hand, #project, #work independently, #trap, #failure or insubordination, #hidden camera shows, #joke on me

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The Boss says, "Asok, I won't have time to hold your hand on this project." The Boss says, "You need to work independently." The Boss says, "And by that I mean you should imagine what I would tell you to do, then do it." Asok says, "But... I can only imagine you telling me stupid things." Asok says, "Holy Shiva! This is a trap!" Asok says, "My choices are failure or insubordination." Asok says, "My only hope is that I'm in one of those hidden camera shows and this is all a big joke on me." Dilbert says, "Find anything?" Asok says, "Can't... stop... looking."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 14, 2008's comic on:


Tags #agree, #disagree, #idea, #plan, #terrible idea, #worst ever idea, #bordering irresponsible, #disagrees with everyone, #idea is awful, #manipulate me, #terrible tidea, #dance puppet dance

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Dilbert: Do you have a minute to look t my terrible idea? It's the worst idea ever, totally impractical, and bordering on irresponsible. Ted: Why are you saying that about your own idea? Dilbert: Because you're one of those jerks who automatically disagree with everyone. I'm telling you my idea is awful so you will feel compelled to say it is great. Ted: Now that I know how you plan to manipulate me, it won't work. Dilbert: I'm so surprised to hear that you disagree. Now look at my terrible terrible idea.Dance, puppet, dance. Ted: THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 12, 2009's comic on:


Tags #money, #investing, #con, #violence, #lying

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Man says, "I'm thinking of investing in the Dogbert hedge fund." Man says, "Can you explain how it works?" Dogbert says, "It's simple I take your money and then use math to turn it into my money while destroying the overall economy." Man says, "Is that legal?" Dogbert says, "More so than you'd think." Man says, "What's in it for me?" Dogbert says, "My inflated claims will give you false hope." Dogbert says, "That way you won't stress out until after you retire and discover you're penniless." Man says, "But I..." Bonk! Ugh! Man says, "I don't remember the last five minutes." Dogbert says, "I was telling you that my hedge fund will earn you 520% per year."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 08, 2009's comic on:


Tags #talking, #telling, #story, #interrupted, #annoyed, #berating, #angry, #hijacked, #criticism, #ridicule, #ignoring

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Dilbert says, "And then Ted said he'd?" Man says, "Ho ho! I've seen that a million times!" Man says, "At my old job we used to make cricket noises whenever our manager was approaching." Man says, "But that doesn't mean you should cut corners when it comes to quality." Dilbert says, "You're hijacking our conversation!" Man says, "I'm adding value." Dilbert says, "You don't even know what we were talking about." Wally says, "Apparently you have a social disorder that compes you to insert irrelevant stories and trite observations into other people's conversations." Wally says, "I assume part of the disorder involves not being able to recognize it in yourself." Dilbert says, "I wonder if he can hear us." Man says, "Did I tell you about my camping trip?"