Eliminate Dept Comic Strips - Page 5
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Bob hands Dilbert something and says, "The marketing department saves the day! Check out these brochures I made." Bob reports, "This new product will allow us to dominate the market!" Dilbert says, "But we don't make this product." Bob says, "That hasn't hurt our sales so far."
Wally walks into a meeting. Asok, The Boss and Dilbert sit at the conference table. Wally says, "I got caught in traffic." The Boss says, "Let me recap what you missed. We spent the past hour deciding not to change the name of our department." Asok says, "You just inadvertently trained me to be late to all meetings." Wally smiles. The Boss says, "Oops."
"Here's your new cubicle: the Cuborg 2000." "It's a self-sufficient workspace and life support system." "These tubes attach to various parts of your body so you never have to leave." "Various parts?" "Let's just say you don't want to get these two tubes mixed up." "We'll monitor your vital signs from a central location." "The company nurse?" "No; the human resources department, in case we have to do some emergency hiring." "Is it upgradeable?" "Yeah, the Cuborg 3000 is expected to have air holes."
"What are you drawing, Dogbert? "I'm creating a comic book called, 'The Adventures of Boron'." "'The most boring man in the entire Universe'." "Boron looks like me." "Geez, what an ego you have." "In chapter one, Boron slays the entire marketing department by explaining asynchronous protocols." "I think it's high time we engineers got a little respect in this society!" "Furthermore, there are many advantages to asynchronous transfer mode switch technology!" "First, there's bandwidth..."
The Boss stands at Dilbert's desk and says, "I got your project approved by our president!" The Boss continues, "But he gave your budget to another project." The Boss continues, "It's pretty much doomed from the get-go." The Boss continues, "But I hyped it up at the executive meeting so somebody else will try to take it over." A woman pushes them aside and says, "Step aside, fools! This project belongs to marketing now!" As the woman walks away, the Boss says, "Oh, please don't take our project." Dilbert and the Boss slap hands. Dilbert says, "Yes!" Dilbert asks, "Do you ever worry that you're finding joy in the wrong places?" The Boss replies, "Nope."
Dogbert sits at a desk and says, "Here's how your marketing department can help retain your best engineers." The caption says, "Marketing gets an idea." A man points to a diagram and says, "We'll leverage our technology by building ant farms." The caption says, "Spreadsheets make the idea look profitable." The Boss and the man sit at a conference table. The man says, "The ant milk alone will be a positive NPV!" The Boss replies, "Wow!" He thinks, "What's an NPV?" The caption says, "Don't forget the 'worst case scenario.'" The man says, "Worst case, somebody builds a gigantic magnifying glass next door." The man contines, "Solution: bite-sized ant jerky!" The Boss says, "There's no risk!" The caption says, "An engineer will be assigned to the project." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Ant farms! Do it!" Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The caption says, "The engineer will challenge the assumptions." Dilbert says, "You can't get a gallon of milk from an ant!" The Boss asks, "What do YOU know about marketing?" The caption says, "Result: the engineer will never leave the company." An interviewer asks Dilbert, "So . . . Your current job is 'Ant Farm Engineer'?" Dilbert thinks, "I'm doomed."
Dilbert sits on the couch and Dogbert sits on the armrest. Dilbert says, "I'm embarrassed to work at my company, Dogbert." Dilbert continues, "We can't even pay a simple invoice in less than six months." Dilbert continues, "First it comes to our mail room for aging." Two men stand in a pile of mail. One says, "Do we like Dilbert?" The other man replies, "Bad haircut. Penalty box." Dilbert continues, "Months later it gets to our department secretary." Dilbert says to the secretary, "It's urgent." She replies, "I'll start ignoring it immediately." Dilbert continues, "Eventually my boss gets it. He uses it to demonstrate his inability to grasp the concept of time." The Boss says, "Let's get some more bids." Dilbert replies, "That was the PAST. This is the PRESENT." Dilbert continues, "If it makes it to the accounts payable group, it will be eaten by trolls." A troll says, "No, thanks. I'm full." Another troll takes a bite out of the invoice and says, "Just a taste." Dilbert asks Dogbert, "How would you protect your reputation if you were associated with something so pathetic?" Dogbert replies, "I'd tell everybody that the doofy guy is my butler. Hypothetically."
The Boss holds a letter and says, "Carol, how do I address an envelope?" Carol, his secretary, sings, "I'll do it." Carol explains to Dilbert, "I'm training him to be helpless." She says, "It's part of my master plan to eliminate him." Carol says, "I do everything for him. Soon he'll lose his ability to solve small problems alone." She says, "Then I'll 'accidentally' book him on a one-way trip to South Korea." Carol says, "Before he goes, I'll tell him they have a death penelty for speaking English." Carol laughs a maniacal laugh and says, "We'll never see him again. Buwahaha!" Dilbert walks off and says, "It's worth a shot." The Boss calls from his office and says, "Carol, how do I dial for an outside line?" Carol says, "I'll do it."
Marketing Department: A guy walks by a table and says, "Hey! It's a magazine!" He reaches for it. Engineering Department: A loud speaker says, "Danger! A magazine has been discovered in marketing!" Alice looks scared. Alice pokes her head into Dilbert cubicle and says, "Marketing has a magazine!" Dilbert gasps and his hair stands on end. Dilbert heads for the War Room. He says, "Gather the other engineers. We must get that magazine." Alice says, "Check." Dilbert says to Alice, Asok and Wally, "We think is was a careless mistake by someone in the mail department." Dilbert says, "As you know, there is nothing more dangerous than a marketing person with a little bit of knowledge." Dilbert points to a diagram on the dry-erase board. He says, "We know where the magazine will be read. We need nets, rope and traquilizer darts." The marketing guy starts to enter the men's restroom as a darts flies towards his neck. He thinks, "I'll have to ask engineering to build one of these space staions..."
Alice sits next to The Boss and a mandattan place.. The Boss points out, "Our special guest is Tod, from our researced paper." Tod says, "We recently did a study to access the value of our previous research." Tod hands out papers and says, "Sadly, all of our past work was either ignoed or totally misintrepreted by idiots.." Tod says, ".. such as yoursleves." Tod says, "So from now on, rather that do research we''ll just lie. Tod says, "Play along and and we'll make sure the 'industry salaries' study goes your way." Tod says, "Well, it's two o'clock, and that's quitting time in the research department." Wally tells Dilbert, "" You're not my role mdoel anymore!"