Division Perfromance Comic Strips - Page 5

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

69 Results for Division Perfromance

View 41 - 50 results for division perfromance comic strips. Discover the best "Division Perfromance" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 01, 2003's comic on:


Tags #nemesis, #pointy haired, #software division, #report to boss, #no difference, #harware, #software, #engineering

View Transcript

Transcript

"This is my nemesis, pointy-haired Carl. He manages our software division." "Write up some reasons why he should report to me. I'll secretly give it to our Vice President." "Start by saying there's no real difference between hardware and software." "I'm unclean!"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 02, 2003's comic on:


Tags #pointy haired, #takeover, #should report, #secret got out, #extra money

View Transcript

Transcript

"Our goal is nothing less than a complete takeover of pointy-haired Carl's software division." "We'll start secretly doing their jobs in addition to our own. Then I'll argue that they should report to me." "Hypothetically, if the secret got out, would we stop working twice as hard for no extra money?"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 12, 2003's comic on:


Tags #director of profit making, #behind greatness, #acting like king, #wants award, #making spectavle

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: Later w'll be joined by the director of the only division thats making a profit. Behold my greatness! Bathe ye all in the pleasure of my general proximity!! I can only stay if you give me an award.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 15, 2003's comic on:


Tags #produce breakthrough, #meeting, #coach me, #higher perfromance, #no hope for progress, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: My project has no progress and no hope for progress. I scheduled a meeting is I can fantasize that it will produce a breakthrough. I recommend that we have a meeting next week so you can fantasize that your'll coach me to higher levels of performance. The Boss: Sounds good.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 17, 2003's comic on:


Tags #obliterate connection, #my perfromance, #my rewards, #3d objects

View Transcript

Transcript

The merger will obliterate the connection between my performance and rewards. My arms hang like wet ropes. there is no reason to move again. Dilbert: From 9 - 930 I rotated 3 dimensional objects in my mind. My ears hang like wet ropes.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 24, 2004's comic on:


Tags #have plan, #division perfromance, #worst division, #average performance, #merge

View Transcript

Transcript

The boss: I have a plan to avoid paying division performance bonuses. I'll merge our group with the worst division so our average performance is lower. her- hee! I should be eay because every division manager is already begging to merge with me.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 16, 2005's comic on:


Tags #set a conference call, #secretary's job, #carol, #ask question, #set up appointmet

View Transcript

Transcript

Carol: Asok, your pointy-haired boss wants you to set up a conference call with all the division managers." Asok: "Um... wouldn't that be his secretary's job? And aren't you his secretary?" Carol: "Hey, I know. Why don't you try to get an appointment with him so you can ask that question."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 25, 2005's comic on:


Tags #20 % staff, #failing perfromance, #required, #muscles, #money hurlage, #metting, #denounce employees, #criticize

View Transcript

Transcript

"The company requires me to give failing performance reviews to 20% of my staff." "There are four of you, so that works out to...80% of a person." "Wally, your calf muscles and ankles are performing well, but the rest of you is monkey hurlage."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 11, 2007's comic on:


View Transcript

Transcript

"Every company needs goals." GOALS "We have division goals, department goals, district goals, personal goals and affiliate goals." "You will all attend a four-hour training session on how to write goals." "Every week you will report on how you are doing compared to your goals." "Those reports will be entered into a giant database." "Won't the size and complexity of the database make it impossible to know what's really happening?" "Yes. That's why your raises will be based on what you look like." "Bummer for you."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 17, 2007's comic on:


Tags #elbonian divison, #do any work, #every minute, #hidden cameras, #randomly fire, #evil, #buttocks tingle

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: My Elbonian division won't do any work unless someone is watching them every minute. Catbert: "Tell them you have hidden cameras." "Then randomly fire one Elbonian per week." The Boss: "Hee-hee! Evil makes my buttocks tingle."