Engineer Skills Comic Strips - Page 5
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Dilbert says to the Boss, "My chair is broken and the warehouse is out of 'engineer chairs.'" Dilbert continues, "And since I'm . . . You know . . . Empowered, I thought I might order a 'manager chair' for the time being." Dilbert asks, "I've over-stepped my authority, haven't I?" The Boss replies, "Next you'll want a screen door on your cubicle."
Dogbert holds a pointer and says, "Today you will learn how to deal with people who have personality defects." The caption says, "Case 1: Todd laughs nervously at every one of his own comments." Todd says, "Don't hold it against me! Hee hee!" The caption says, "Remedy: Todd must be relocated to a distant planet." A space shuttle leaves a planet. On the planet's surface, Todd says, "It sure is lonely! Hee hee! The caption says, "Case 2: Allen stares at you like a zombie for long periods before responding to questions." The caption says, "Remedy: Allen must be paired with Virginia (Case 3) who fills all quiet spots with inane chatter." Dogbert pushes Virgina toward Allen. The caption says, "Case 4: Matt speaks slowly about amazingly boring topics." Matt says, "I . . . ate . . . a . . . pickle . . ." The caption says, "Remedy: Matt's head can be outfitted with a reading stand." A man reads a book that rests on Matt's head. Matt says, "I . . . like . . . pickles . . ." The caption says, "Case 5: An engineer. Remedy: Very quietly seal him in his own cubicle." Dogbert builds a brick wall in the door of Dilbert's cubicle.
Dilbert: Stan, you promised the customer things that engineering can't possibly deliver do you know what this means?! Stan: It means I'm great salesman and you're a putrid engineer. Maybe you should consider taking classes at night. Dilbert: Karate classes.
wally: "?" Dilbert: "Expand...window." Wally: "Well, look who got a voice-controlled computer." Dilbert: "Insert...column." wally: "If I were a lesser engineer I might be envious." dilbert: "Add...row." Wally: "I don't mind using my prehistoric mouse-driven computer." "And I'm not bitter about my request for a color printer being denied." "At least I won't work all day then accidently..." "DELETE...A FILE!!" Dilbert: "#!@%%&" Wally: "Please...not in front of the computer."
"From now on, any engineer can shut down our factory for any reason." "Later we'll film a commercial about how ethical and empowered you are." "Ha! Give me a raise, Tubby, or the factory's going down!" "You can't shut it down, I'm shutting it down until more women are in top management." "I'd like to shut it down for a day, just as an ego booster. Is Tuesday good?" "Didn't any of you hear that there's an endangered bird living in the parking lot??" "I think I parked on it this morning." "Can we get back to the point?"
Ratbert: My name is Ratbert. I fear the information superhighway. Like most of you, my problem started because I never learned to type. I thought only secretaries needed to type. Then the computers came. At first I dismissed them as mere toys for men with no social skills. Soon they were everywhere. I would invent elaborate excuses to avoid computers. I was caught in my own web of deception. MAN: This is "alcoholics anonymous" Ratbert: I didn't interrupt you. Man: Can we talk about me now?
"I joined the city soccer league." "I've never played, but as an engineer I have a natural instinct for ball trajectory and passing angles." "Where does the team play?" "Coach doesn't want to ruin my concentration by telling me."
"As my dogumentary begins, we see the engineer hard at work." "Suddenly, he leaps into action! Years of training and experience come into focus!" "The screen saver has been deactivated. But doubt sets in...was there a better way?" "I should have moved the mouse."
The Boss: "Laurie's our new engineer. Show her the ropes, Dilbert." "I meant figuratively." Dilbert: "This is your anti-productivity pod." "It's equipped with a little device that rings anytime you try to concentrate." "The top is open so none of the background noise is inadvertently muffled." "And you're on the main aisle, so you'll be haunted every minute by footsteps behind you. Step...step...step." The Boss: "We need to talk."
"Dogbert the Futurist" Dogbert: "Someday, keyboards will be replaced by motion-sensing rings on your fingers..." "The computer screen will be projected into your glasses as a 3-D image." - These developments will not enhance the image of technical professionals." Dilbert: "Are you an engineer?" Moron: "I'm a moron. Common mistake."