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Ratbert says to Dogbert, "I think I've hit upon a brilliant new direction for expanding our product line." Ratbert says, "I call them 'Carpet Patch Kids.' Each one is made from carpet and has its own name!" Ratbert says to the carpet doll as he walks away, "Don't feel bad, Raquel. I don't think he meant it as a personal attack."
The Boss and Dilbert stand in front of a room of people. The Boss says, "The award for best attendance goes to Dilbert." Dilbert says, "I'd like to thank the people who made this possible." Dilbert continues, "First, I'd like to thank the women in the company who have rejected me over the years . . ." Dilbert continues, "Because of them I have no germ-riddled children to infect me." Dilbert continues, "And thanks to my co-workers for never telling me about important meetings, thus keeping my germ exposure to a minimum." Dilbert continues, "And thanks to my boss for never assigning a project important enough to induce stress and weaken my immune system." Dilbert continues, "But what makes this award special is that each of you had to get sick in order for me to win." Dilbert arrives at home and says, "When you have your health, you have everything, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "No, you also have to gloat."
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally, Alice and Ted sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I'm told by a reliable source that our senior vice president made a sound like 'yurp' at lunch." The Boss continues, "What does it mean? Does it signal a new set of priorities? We must demonstrate our commitment to this vision." Dilbert asks, "What was the context of this vision?" The Boss replies, "All we know is he was eating a burrito."
The caption says, "Dogbert meets the company president." Dogbert sits across from the president's desk. The president says to Dogbert, "You've made quite a name for yourself in the week you've worked here." Dogbert replies, "It was easy to grab power, once I realized the other executives were just imbeciles with good hair." The president says, "I hope you don't think that of ME." Dogbert replies, "No, that looks like a toupee from here."
Dogbert and Ratbert sit on the hassock. Ratbert asks, "Why did you quit your job as company president?" Dogbert replies, "I made a fortune on my stock options and retirement payout." Dogbert says, "I'm going to turn my attention to philanthropy." Ratbert asks, "Is that the study of people named Phil?" Dogbert replies, "It's mostly about watching people beg and having buildings named after me."
Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert sits on the hassock. Dilbert says, "I made it through the fire-walking seminar uninjured by wearing asbestos lined socks." Dilbert continues, "People always laughed because I lined my undergarments with asbestos - but who's laughing NOW?" Dogbert asks, "Have you always feared your butt would catch on fire?" Dilbert replies, "It's not the kind of thing you leave to chance."
Dogbert: Good news - your ratio of liquidity is very low. You qualify to invest in my reincarnation fund. Man: If my ratio is low, that means IM ...uh... Made of liquid. Dogbert: Id say you're 98% water, 2% cheap suit, and whats left is your amazing brain.
Alice: I'm going to seek relief from my many woes by sharing them with you. My entire family is in a coma....The cat ate my wedding ring,,,,The IRS is auditing us....my boss made a pass at me. It isn't working, you aren't absorbing my woes. Dilbert: Im wearing into woe cologne.
Dogbert: "In market research terms, you belong to the 'techno geek' segment." "You're shy, boring, gullible and male. You prefer computers to people. There's always a spider on your arm." "Made you look."