After Raises Comic Strips - Page 5
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Dilbert: Our sales dropped to zero after you offended customers on Twitter. Did someone tell you Twitter was a video game? Narrator: One week ago. Boss: And how would I kill these trolls? Wally: With your words.
Boss: IS the software done yet? Wally: That depends. Do you have any new feature requests? Boss: Only three. Wally: Then it's not done, is it? Boss: Well, no, I guess not. So... when will it be done? Wally: It will be done one week after you give me your last changes. But I believe you taught us that change is good. So either you can be a stagnant bureaucrat or a dynamic leader with lots of changes. It's a question of free will, really. Boss: I have to be somewhere else.
Asok: Did you both negotiate huge raises with our boss the way I did? Dilbert and Wally: No. Dilbert: Apparently, you're the only good negotiator in the department. Asok: Are you being racist? Dilbert: I will give you $1,000 to never say that about me again.
Asok: I just learned that our boss is a bad negotiator. Wally: How bad? Asok: I just negotiated a 3.3-million-dollar raise for myself. And I want 80 percent of the raises you two get because I told you. Dilbert and Wally: 75 percent is our final offer!
Alice: The men never invite me to after-work activities. Catbert: We'll need to find out if the problem is sexism or your personality.Alice: I decided not to dig into it. Boss: I think you'll be happy with your decision.
Boss: Why do all of the women I hire quit within the first week? Wally: I'm guessing they have high standards, or something along those lines. Boss: They seem to quit soon after they meet you. Wally: Hypothesis confirmed.
Man: I need you to join me on a sales call to tell my customer how easy it will be to switch to our software. Dilbert: It isn't easy. Man: This is a sales call. All you need to do is say everything will be easy. Dilbert: What happens when they find out it isn't easy? Man: They won't find out until after they pay us. Dilbert: What will you do when they complain? Man: I'll tell your boss you misled them. Dilbert: Not if I warn him first! Man: Too late. I already told him you're a liar.
Boss: Did you notice any changes after Alice gave you an artificial soul? Robot: I'm less tolerant of idiots asking me questions. Boss: High five. Robot: What is wrong with you people???
Dilbert: I'm having some people over to my house after work. Would you like to come? Woman: Who else is coming? Dilbert: Seven people said maybe, and one said he would get back to me. I think that shows a lot of interest. So how about it? Can you come? Woman: It depends on whether my sister needs a ride to the airport. Dilbert: When will you know? Woman: I'll text you. Dogbert: Are you sad that no one came? Dilbert: No, I was just A-B testing to see if I still hate all of them.
Boss: I want you to think like entrepreneurs. Dilbert: Should we take huge risks? Boss: No, the stockholders would hate that. Alice: Should we act as though we have no boss? Boss: NO. That would be chaos. Dilbert: Will we become billionaires if we succeed? Boss: Raises are capped at 3% this year. I'm just saying you should be more creative. Dilbert: and then we should act? Boss: No, that's when the problems happen.