Dilbert says, "I created an anti-Dilbert, but I don't know how to prevent him from being annihilated by matter when he leaves the vacuum." The Garbageman says, "If you don't know how to do it, and he's the anti-you, that means he knows how." Anti-Dilbert says, "Matterscreen, SPF 50. Duh."
Alice: "You should check with Ted to see if he knows about this sort of thing."
Dilbert: "I'll add that to my list of marginally useful things that other people have suggested I do."
Dilbert: "Apparently, agreeing isn't enough. You also need to say it a certain way."
Our new business strategy is... "Hold on." "I made a list of all of our strategies for the past five years." "There have been seventeen of them." "What does that tell us?" "That I'm not afraid of change." "And that I've been working hard and I deserve a huge bonus." "And that I'm kind and generous and good looking." "You have to give him credit. The man knows how to answer a rhetorical question."
The Boss: "I've decided to standardize the department on a new programming language."
Dilbert: "With all due respect, that sort of decision should be made by someone who knows his mass from a black hole."
Dilbert: "The vendor warned me that you couldn't be objective."
"I'm tired of dating pretty boys where I need to look and act my best all the time."
"I want a guy who knows he can't do better than me, no matter what I look like."
"MORE BREAD!!!"
Tina: "Wally, can you show me how to make changes to the skills database?"
Wally: "I can't risk being known as the guy who knows how to edit the database."
Tina: "Because?"
Wally: "I barely have time to avoid the work I already have."
The Boss: Where can I put my most important files so I won't lose them?
I'll balance them on top of the trash can so the janitor knows its not part of the actual trash.
Garbageman: These items must be whats most urgently in need of discardation.
The Boss addresses a meeting, "Senior management knows they need to retain key employees during hard times." The Boss continues, "That's why they're giving themselves huge retention bonuses." Alice responds, "So, they're blackmailing themselves?" The Boss says, "You can make anything sound bad."
