2019 Comic Strips - Page 5

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Software Specs

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Software Specs - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, software, specifications, business, problem, unclear

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boss: how long will it take to write the software? dilbert: that depends. what do you want the software to do? boss: i don't know yet. dilbert: do you see the problem here? boss: is it you?

Elbonian Spy

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Elbonian Spy - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, elbonian, spy, engineers, economy, intellectual, property, collaborate

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boss: i hired an elbonian spy who, i assume, will try to steal our intellectual property. it's hard to find good engineers in this economy, so that is a risk i am willing to take. dilbert, i'd like you to collaborate with him. dilbert: can we call it something else?

Meeting To Decide When To Meet

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Meeting To Decide When To Meet - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, meeting, schedule, thursday, berate

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boss: i need everyone to come to the thursday meeting so we can decide when to schedule our next meeting. dilbert: why don't we just have the meeting on thursday? dilbert: see me later, so i can berate you for saying that. dilbert: do we need a meeting to schedule that?

Boss Helps

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Boss Helps - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, project, deadline, interruption, business, new, task, priority

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boss: why isn't your project done yet? dilbert: because every time i walk past your office you give me three new tasks and tell men they are my highest priority. boss: i was hoping you didn't know why. dilbert: hire someone dumber next time.

Dilbert Gets A Mentor

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Dilbert Gets A Mentor - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, Advice, mentor, productivity, operations, vice president, pressure, trick

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boss: i heard you asked our v.p. of operations to be your mentor. why didn't you tell me you needed some mentoring? i'm full of useful advice. dilbert: such as? boss: well... not you're putting me on the spot. it's hard to think of advice while you're pressuring me. maybe you could give me a scenario, and then i'll tell you what to do. dilbert: okay, suppose my boss is ruining my productivity by yammering about his great advice. what can i do? boss: that feels like a trick question. dilbert: our v.p. of operations could answer it.

Help Me With Something

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Help Me With Something - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags office workers, compensation, system, incentive, budget, limit, smart, business

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male office worker: can you help me with something? dilbert: no, our employee compensation system incentivizes me to let you fail so i can lay claim to a larger share of our limited budget for raises. maybe you could ask someone who is less aware. office worker: none of them are smart enough to help.

Stay Home When Sick

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Stay Home When Sick - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags office workers, healthy, sick, sneeze, infect, deadlines

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dilbert: maybe you should stay home when you are sick. alice sneezing: honk! i will, but first i need to infect the rest of you so i'm not the only one missing deadlines. can you hold this for me? (passes off tissue to dilbert)

Attending A Funeral

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Attending A Funeral - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, time off, funeral, sick, unsympathetic

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carol talking to distracted boss on cell phone: can i take the day off to attend a funeral? boss: sure. i didn't even know you were sick. carol: it's not my own funeral. boss: oh. in that case, no.

Not Humanly Possible

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Not Humanly Possible - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags managers & supervisors, office workers, budget, workflow, procedure, impossible, useful

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boss: i can't approve your budget because you didn't follow the seventeen-step workflow procedure. dilbert: it is not humanly possible to follow the company workflow procedure and also accomplish anything useful. boss: would it help if i add a few steps? dilbert: yes, if you have to go back to your office to do it.

Workflow Training

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Workflow Training - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags business, managers & supervisors, office workers, system, technology, training, new

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boss: has everyone taken the new workflow system training? alice: yes, and we all concluded the new system is poorly designed and should be abandoned. boss: sounds like you need more training. alice: i meant to say we love the new system