20% Raise Comic Strips - Page 5
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Catbert says to Wally, "I can't raise your salary level because you don't have ten years experience with 'Java' coding." Wally raises his hand and says, "Nobody has ten years experience with new technology! You're just being evil. Admit it." Catbert's head spins. Wally says, "And could you please shake your head back and forth instead of spinning it around?"
Dilbert, cursed by both Dogbert and the World's Smartest Garbage Man, sits watching television. He has Dogbert's eyes and nose and is dressed in garbage man coveralls. The tv says, "Are you the victim of a curse?" Dilbert says, "Yes, I am." The tv says, "Next on 20/20, John Stossel shows you the cure." Dilbert's ears shoot straight up and his garbage man hat flies off. Dilbert pokes his head in the doorway and says, "Ha! After the commercial I will get valuable information for people like me!" Dogbert wags his tail and says, "Well, well. It seems my old nemesis, John Stossel, was been busy."
Dilbert sits at his computer. Carol hands him a piece of paper. Carol says, "You need to sign the non-employee certification form before I process your raise." Dilbert looks at the form. Dilbert says, "But this would be a lie. I'm not a non-employee." Carol says, "I'm only the messenger." Dilbert says, "Where did this come from?" Carol says, "The file cabinet."
Carol hands Dilbert a piece of paper. Carol says, "This report shows how much your raise would be if raises hadn't been canceled." Dilbert says, "Wow! My imaginary life is soing great!" Dilber looks at his computer. Dilbert thinks, "Now back to pretending to work."
The Boss tells Alice, Wally and Dilbert, "Write up your accomplishments so I can decide who gets raises this year." Wally asks, "Are you saying our raises will depend on our ability to lie about our achievements?" The Boss replies as he walks away, "No, there's also favoritism." Dilbert says, "And don't forget the importance of minimizing the accomplishments of others." Dilbert sits at his desk and types, "This year I saved a billion dollars in ways which are impossible to verify." Wally types, "While the others plotted against you, I was applying an invisible rust inhibitor to your car." Alice says to Wally and Dilbert, "I can drop those off for you." Dilbert says, "Thanks." Dilbert asks Wally, "Have you noticed she's the only one who ever gets a raise?" Wally replies, "It's as if she has the accomplishments of three people."
Tags #Dogbert, #long range planner, #impossible evaluation, #flex-time, #supposed to work, #internet connection n, #telecommute, #not pollute, #give a hoot, #losers, #demanded relocation, #no budget, #poodle graohics, #big raise
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss asks, "Why do you want to be our new 'Long Range Planner,' Mister Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "Because 'long range' is very far away . . ." Dogbert continues, ". . . Therefore it will be impossible to evaluate my performance." Dogbert continues, "If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to be on flex-time so you'll never know if I'm supposed to be at work." Dogbert continues, "I'll need an Internet connection at home so I can telecommute and not pollute. Because I give a hoot." Dogbert continues, "Also, I'd like to be in a group with lots of losers. That way I'll get the biggest riase when we're ranked." The Boss says, "You're hired. All of the other applicants demanded relocation expenses and I have no budget for that." Dogbert stands at a desk. Dilbert asks, "Why do I have to work while you just look for poodle graphics on the Internet?" Dogbert says, "Don't work too hard; I'd like a big raise."
Tags #meets expectations, #review, #two percent raise, #eighty hour week, #three patents, #make millions, #donated bone marrow, #attendece problem, #cheated on money, #alice, #take advantage, #cheap, #scammed
The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Alice, your performance this year is 'meets expectations.' You get a two percent raise." Alice looks shocked and says, "MEETS EXPECTATIONS?! I worked eighty hours every week!" The Boss replies, "Yeah . . . Well, I expected that." Alice yells, "I earned three patents this year! The company will make millions!!" The Boss says, "Really? Wow. I mean . . . I expected that too." Alice clenches her teeth and shouts, "I donated bone marrow to our biggest customer!!! Twice!!!" The Boss replies, "I noted that under 'attendance problem.'" Alice, Dilbert and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice leans on the table and covers her face. Dilbert tells her, "I told you the bone marrow thing would haunt you." Wally says, "I'm starting to think the time I worked through lunch was for nothing."
Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I've been offered a promotion in another department." The caption says, "Fantasy." Dilbert says, "I'm outta here, you worthless piece of snail crud!!" Dilbert laughs wickedly. The caption says, "Reality." Dilbert says, "I meekly request to be released from my current assignment." The caption says, "Fantasy." The Boss says, "I would never stand in your way. Congratulations!" The caption says, "Reality." The Boss says, "I can't release you. You're too valuable." The caption says, "Fantasy." Dilbert pulls the Boss's tie and says, "If I'm so valuable, explain my last raise!!!" The caption says, "Reality." The Boss says, "In fact, I have ANOTHER valuable assignment for you." Dilbert stands in stunned silence. Dilbert tells Wally, I'm doing a survey to find out why morale is so low." Wally replies, "I think it's your breath."
Wally tells the Boss, "I have a great idea to save money." Wally enter the Boss's office and continues, "We can make the photocopier ink last longer by adding water to it." The Boss asks, "Wouldn't that make the copies too light?" Wally replies, "Ordinarily, yes. But we can compensate by setting the copier to 'darken.'" Wally says, "You'll need someone to implement this idea . . . Let's see." Wally says, "Hey, how about Dilbert? He isn't doing much work lately." Wally continues, "I'd do it myself but there's no reason to waste a creative thinker on an implementation task." Dilbert asks Wally, "Are you still mad that I got a bigger raise than you did?" Wally replies, "No, I found a creative way to deal with it."
Dilbert stands across from the Boss's desk. He says, "I want a ten-percent raise." The Boss replies, "There's no budget for raises." Dilbert holds up a letter and says, "I have an offer from another company that will pay fifteen percent more." The Boss says, "I'll give you twenty percent if you stay." Dilbert says, "I thought you said there's no budget for raises." The Boss replies, "Well . . . It's supposed to be a secret but . . ." The Boss says, "Our policy is to give big raises to people who spend their time interviewing for other jobs." Dilbert tells Alice and Wally, "Good news! The secret company policy is to reward disloyalty!" They cheer and shout, "Yes! Yippee!" Wally asks, "What's the reward for leaving work early?" Dilbert replies, "He wouldn't show me the price sheet."