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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 23, 2007's comic on:


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Phew. This has been a long meeting. Does anyone have any other issues? "I..." PUNCH "We have a motion to adjourn."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 17, 2007's comic on:


Tags #elbonian divison, #do any work, #every minute, #hidden cameras, #randomly fire, #evil, #buttocks tingle

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The Boss: My Elbonian division won't do any work unless someone is watching them every minute. Catbert: "Tell them you have hidden cameras." "Then randomly fire one Elbonian per week." The Boss: "Hee-hee! Evil makes my buttocks tingle."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 28, 2007's comic on:


Tags #eliminated budget, #automated test software, #new code, #automated test, #end any converstaion, #calling person big baby

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Dilbert: "You eliminated the budget for automated test software. How are we going to test our new code?" The Boss: "Go write some automated test software, you big baby. I already pay you, so it's free." Dilbert: "Today I learned I can end any conversation by calling the other person a big baby." Dogbert: "Waa-waa! Do you want your bottle?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 30, 2012's comic on:


Tags #complaining, #not helpful, #brush of unhelpfulness, #srigma, #issues, #monster

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Boss: Brian tells me you're not being helpful. Asok: Gaaa!!! You have been painted by the brush of unhelpfulness. There is no way to remove the stigma of this accusation. Wally: Watch and learn. Brian has... um... issues. Boss: Issues? What issues? Mental? Emotional? Substance abuse? Wally: I've said too much. It's not my place. Boss: He's a monster! Asok: You make it look easy!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 20, 2008's comic on:


Tags #not attracted, #long enough, #fix things, #tech support, #use abilities, #no action

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Tina: I'm not attracted to you, but I'd like to date you for one month. That should be long enough to resolve any tech support issues on my home computer, cell phone and home theater." Dilbert: Would there be any kissing? Tina: What kind of girl do you think I am?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 02, 2011's comic on:


Tags #farmers & farm workers, #work ethic, #manage issues, #align org. activities, #stakeholder, #real work, #farm

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Wally sys, "Should I continue to manage issues?" Wally says, "Or should I align organizational activities with stakeholder expectations?" The Boss says, "Which answer would cause you to do real work?" Wally says, "What is this, a farm?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 04, 2007's comic on:


Tags #options, #costs too much, #any research, #experience thing, #using technology

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Wally: I narrowed down the options to an alternative that costs too much and another that won't work. I didn't do any research. It's more of an experience sort of thing. Next week I plan to think about the option of using technology that isn't yet available."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 02, 2005's comic on:


Tags #weekly wally report, #worthless iput, #harmful advice, #ignored email, #priorities, #my budget estimates, #any success, #format

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"The Weekly Wally Report is bristling with tales of success." "I gave worthless input to marketing because they weren't specific about what they wanted." "I missed Alice's project meeting because she never confirmed the location." "I gave harmful advice to the sales team because they rushed me." "I ignored my email for a week because you said to focus on priorities." "And I didn't submit my budget estimates because Asok never told me what format to ues." "How can you call any of that success??!!" "Well, I'd compare it to my written objectives, but you never gave me any."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 20, 2005's comic on:


Tags #pre meeting, #problems, #fix them, #budgets, #deadlines, #technical stuff, #any questions, #feel nauseated, #great job, #compliments

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Let's have a pre-meeting before your meeting with our vice president. "Don't mention any problems because he might try to fix them." "Don't say anything about budgets or deadlines because he might reduce them." "Leave out the technical stuff because it will only confuse him." "That leaves me nothing to talk about." "Perfect!" "Hello... And in summary. Are there any questions?" "Wow! That's the first presentation that hasn't made me feel nauseated or dizzy! Great job!" "Why does success make me hate humanity?" "They deserve it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 12, 2004's comic on:


Tags #cubicle vampire, #happy coowrkers, #in search of, #talk, #work related issues, #life drained, #gut instinct, #you're hire

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Job interview "What's your biggest weakness." "I'm a cubicle vampire." "I wander the cubicles in search of happy coworkers." "Then I pounce!" "Then you suck their blood?" "That was the old way." "I talk about work-related issues until the life is drained from their bodies." "I'm going to trust my gut instinct on this. You're hired." "Have you met the new hire yet?"