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alice: i'm too hungry to make good decisions. i need a break so i can eat a snack. boss: how do you know your decisions are bad? alice: i'm starting to agree with you. boss: i don't understand. alice is gone: exactly
News anchor: My next guest on money - n- stuff is Dogbert the doomsday pundit, DOgbert: Goldman Sachs is forming a Hobo army to take over the world. Start hoarding anything with a pointy end. DOW 975 DOgbert: Hobo army coming. News Anchor: after the break, learn how to remove your own gold fillings,
Wally: Do you feel any need to make conversation? Dilbert: Nope. But I don't mind standing in your general vicinity to counter the common perception of you as a sociopathic loner. Wally: You totally get me. Dilbert: That's what acquaintances are for.
Boss: I read a book about how to be a great leader, and realized I don't do any of those things. I'm surprised a book with so many errors could get published. It must have been written by a disgruntled underling. Wally: Do those exist?
Dilbert looks in a book and says to Dogbert, "This book says the best time to pick up women is while walking a dog." Dogbert says, "Let's try it." Dilbert holds a leash that is wrapped around Dogbert's stomach. Dogbert walks in front of Dilbert yelling, "Yo! Baby! Whoa whoa! Shake it, don't break it! Come and get your single male!!" Dilbert says, "I think this method is overrated." Dogbert yells, "Form one line! No pushing!"
Dilbert sits in his chair reading the newspaper and Dogbert stands on the hassock. Dogbert asks, "Do you ever feel like doing something really strange?" Dogbert continues, "Sometimes I get the urge to break into the post office at night and lick all the stamps." Dilbert says, "Well . . . That's not TOO strange." Dogbert continues, "Then I would see how long I can stick to the wall by my tongue."
Bob the Dinosaur, Dawn the Dinosaur and Dogbert sit on the floor. Bob says, "We'll kick off the dinosaur comeback tour by singing 'My Way.'" Bob continues, "Then we'll break the instruments, wade into the crowd and bite the head off somebody in the front row!" Dogbert replies, "'Ozzy Osbourne' already did that."
The Boss says to Dilbert and a woman, "I'm proud to announce that the company has found yet another way to dehumanize the employees." The Boss continues, "From now on you will wear identification badges at work. This symbolizes that people who look like you are often criminals." The Boss adds, "Oh . . . And the cafeteria is closed. We'll just lay down some alfalfa in the break room."
Dilbert says to Tim, "Gee, Tim, you look awful." Tim replies, "I've been working for five days without any sleep to finish this report." Tim's clothes are disheveled and he has circles under his eyes. Tim continues, "At first I had a mental block. But on the fourth day I was visited by an Incan monkey god who told me what to write." Dilbert replies, "Wow, lucky break." Tim says, "Now I just have to find somebody who can translate his simple but beautiful language."
Dilbert sits at the desk and Dogbert sits next to him. Dilbert says, "There . . . I think I've invented a way to send vast amounts of data without fiber optic cables." Dilbert continues, "It's a simple application of J. S. Bell's theorem. He showed that if you break up a molecule and change the spin of one electron, the spin of the other electrons originally joined will immediately change too, no matter where they are." Dilbert asks, "What do you think the fiber optic industry will give me for this." Dogbert replies, "A horse's head in your bed."