Develop Process Comic Strips - Page 5
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"Project meeting" "I'll have to cut a few corners because of your bungling of the budget process." "If we skip design, prototype, testing and manufacturing, we can afford the product recall." "We'll save on shipping, too." "Is bungle the same as juggle?"
Product designer Dogbert: I bring you the future of product design for consumer electronics. Dogbert: Behold Natures perfect shape! your customers will form and emotional bond, Dilbert: Do you think your ego influenced the design process? The boss: Its wagging. Dogbert: Bah!
Wally, Dilbert, the Boss, and others are in a meeting. The Boss introduces the woman next to him to the group. The Boss says, "Patty is our new 'process manager.'" The Boss continues, "Patty doesn't know how to DO anything." He adds, "She only knows how to do things BETTER!" Patty raises a finger, "Process!" Patty says, "For example, this meeting is poorly managed because you have no process." Patty, turning to Asok, continues, "And this intern obviously had no process for deciding whether to attend." The Boss raises his hand. He addresses the group, "Okay, Patty is annoying. All in favor of getting rid of her." The entire group, except for Patty, raises their hands. Asok looks like he's going to strangle her. As they all leave the meeting behind the dejected Patty, Dilbert says to her, "You lasted longer than Timmy the 'Facilitator.'"
The boss: "Ted, I don't know how to say this." "We need to lean up the process improvement process so I have to smartsize one resource." Ted: "Wow. Usually it's just a figure of speech when people say, "I don't know how to say this.""
The Boss: "In order to avoid shoddy mistakes, everything we do from now on will be part of a documented process." Wally: "What documented process did you use to decide what documented process to use?" wally: "Or is this one of those shoddy mistakes I keep hearing about?"
Dilbert: Out online budget approval system isn't working. There's a process for making changes to the system, but I don't know it. I could take a class to learn the process, but there's also a process for approving classes. I could learn the process for approving classes, but I'd still need approval for a budget variance to take the class. And I can't get that because the online budget approval system is broken. I can't even have this conversation because it will make me charge too much of my engineering time to administrative overhead. So I'll go sit in my cubicle and pretend to be thinking about a billable project. It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year.
The Boss says, "A good leader uses a process for making decisions." Dilbert says, "May I take this one?" Wally says, "Go." Alice says, "Make us proud." Dilbert says, "Question: If making a decision is just a process, why can't a computer do it?" The Boss says, "Because sometimes I have to rely on my gut." Dilbert says, "Which part of your gut is the smart part? Is it the stomach lining, or maybe the colon?" The Boss says, "I'm talking about instinct. It's an indefinable leadership quality." Dilbert says, "Is the indefinable thing like a superstition?" Wally says, "Or cooties?" The Boss says, "It's a process!" Dilbert says, "Is that your colon talking?"
The Boss: "Run this by our attorney." Dilbert: "May I vigorously hit myself with a hammer instead?" The Boss: "You have my attention." Dilbert: "Either way, it's a painful process that won't change the final result." "But the hammer is quicker and it will still make you feel as if you made me do something." The Boss: "Okay. Try the hammer thing." BAM! "Ouch!" BAM! "Ouch!" BAM! "Ouch!" "Now run it by our attorney so it feels as if I did two things."
Asok: "I'm trying to develop a good attitude about my job." "Every morning I tell myself I am invigorated by busywork." The Boss: "Asok, I need you to relabel the toner cartridges." Asok: "Woo-hoo!"
The Boss: Mister Dogbert has agreed to consult for $400 per hour. "I know it's expensive but you get what you pay for." "Let's get the ball rolling." "My first question is: what process will you be using to arrive at your recommendations?" Dogbert: "a..." "very...slow one..."