Every Week Comic Strips - Page 5
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Alice sits at a conference table typing on a laptop. An older man with a beard sits next to her. The man says, "I used to write programs using punch cards . . . But I'd rather be fishing . . ." Alice grabs the man by his suspenders and shouts, "Look, you bearded road apple, if you answer one more of my questions with an irrelevant story I'll snap you into next week!!" The caption says, "Sometime next week . . ." Dilbert and Wally see a hole in the air with a man's legs hanging out of it. Wally says, "Looks like a hole in the space-time continuum." Dilbert asks, "Did you hear a snap?"
The Boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to introduce the new guy to everybody." Dilbert thinks, "Groan." The Boss walks away thinking, "This way I never have to learn their names." Dilbert tells the new guy, "The first stop on our odyssey is Bud." Dilbert says, "Uh . . . Bud, this is the new guy, and vice versa." The new guy smiles. Bud looks up from the newspaper and says, "What's this?! Another pink-bottomed, Ivy League, management 'trainee'?!" Bud shouts, "In MY day, you had to start at the bottom . . . And by golly, you STAYED there!!" The new guy asks, "How long have you worked here?" Bud replies, "A week . . . This happens pretty quickly."
The Boss peers into Dilbert's cubicle and asks, "Could you do a demo of the new product for our VP next week?" Dilbert says, "Well . . . That would delay the ship date, lower morale and create an unending demand for more unproductive demos . . ." Dilbert continues, "Logically, since your objective is to show that we're doing valuable work . . ." The Boss interrupts, "And we'll need a banner that says 'Quality.'"
Wally, Dilbert, Alice and the Boss sit at a conference table. Wally says, "I'm pleased to report another banner week of accomplishments!" Wally continues, "I streamlined my business processes while honing my participatory style and my proactive attitude, all while valuing diversity!" The Boss asks, "You watched the mandatory training videos?" Wally adds, "And I lost my free will!"
A man stands behind Dilbert's desk and says, "Thanks for making that product mock-up last week. The customer liked it so much that he ordered a thousand!" Dilbert says, "That was a MOCK-UP! We don't even make that product yet. It would take three years to make one." The man says, "Just give me a thousand mock-ups. The first one was terrific!" Dilbert replies, "The mock-up was our competitor's product with duct tape over the logo."
Tina thinks, "I accidentally sent my torrid love letter to every person on our e-mail system." Tina peers out of her cubicle and thinks, "Should I hide forever or can I count on the professionalism of my co-workers?" Wally points to Tina's cubicle and says, "We'll complete our 'Career Day' tour with an exhibit that I call 'Tina, the Red-Faced Monkey of Love.'" Three children look in the cubicle and one says, "It's hiding."
The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. Wally says, "This week I did equal amounts of work and anti-work." Wally continues, "For every unit of work I did, I generated an equal amount of unnecessary work for co-workers. I figure I broke even." The Boss says, "Wally, come see me after the staff meeting." Wally replies, "Oh, great. You're driving me into negative territory."
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Every department is required to create a Web page for our internal network." The Boss continues, "It should include enough information to be difficult to maintain, but not so much that it's useful." The Boss continues, "As a security precaution, we'll make it too dull and unorganized to read." Wally asks, "Is pornography in or out?"
Carol hands Dilbert a piece of paper and says, "Here's the new org chart. I had to rearrange the layout to make it fit." Dilbert asks, "Why is my box lower than Alice's and Wally's?" Carol replies, "It means nothing . . . Nothing at all." Dilbert asks, "Okay, who told you that every year I fish your Secretaries' Day card out of your trash and save it for next time?" Carol asks, "What?"
The Boss carries a dead body over his shoulder. He tells Dilbert, "I found another dead employee in the conference room." Dilbert looks shocked. The Boss continues, "I don't know what got him - the boredom or the hard work. But headcount is down one and the company has life insurance on him!" The Boss thinks, "It looks like I found my 'Employee of the Week.'"