Feel Harassed Comic Strips - Page 5
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The Boss: Our differentiating value-added strategy is transformational change. "How was that? Does anyone feel different?" Alice: "My urge to hurl was increased a little bit." The Boss: "That's what change feels like."
Dilbert: Do you ever feel guilty for scamming innocent people out of their money? Dogbert: "No." "I only scam people who would do the same to me if they were just smarter." Dilbert: "So you use arrogance to cancel guilt?" Dogbert: "It's a good system."
Carol: I just fired off a scathing letter to a columnist for misusing the word "dongle". Im intoxicated with the feeling of verbal superiority. My sad life has meaning , I feel alive! The columnist: Dear Nutbag, Thanks for the input, Heres a link yo a dictionary, I await your apology
The Habitual Liar Alice: "I thought you died." Liar: "No. I feel great!" Alice: "I'm sure you're dead. Your head is a skull." Liar : "I cut back on carbs." Alice: "Your head isnt' even attatched to your body." Liar"I take yoga."
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert: "Don't rate any employees "excellent" because then they'd deserve raises." "Don't give any bad ratings either because it would reflect poorly on your ability to hire and motivate people." The boss: "How will I make the useless people feel bad if I'm rating them "good"?" Catbert: "Try using this scowl."
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources In order to improve office efficiency, all birthdays will be celebrated on the same day." "Do you mean one clebration per year, or just once and then we're done forever?" "Just once." "Well, at least I'll feel special once. What day is the celebration?" "Yesterday."
"I keep paying you for consulting, but you never make any recommendations." "I'm what you call a "feel good."" "My job is to make you feel secure in the knowledge that someone brilliant is shaping your strategies." "This is weird; I hate you, but at the same time I feel good." "You're welcome."
Asok: My job is an endless series of mind-numbingly unimportant tasks. "My central nervous system is starting to atrophy." The Boss: "I'm kind of busy." Asok: "Punch me in the head so I can feel something."
Catbert: The first question on the employee survey is... Do you feel you are valued and treated with respect and dignity? Dilbert: Well, let me put it this way... you know how sometimes you step in something gross and then you have to wipe it off your shoe with a paper towel? Catbert: So... you feel like the paper towel? Dilbert: No, the paper towel has a purpose. Catbert: So... you feel like the gross stuff on the shoe? Dilbert: No, the gross stuff gets to leave. I feel like a shoe that has gross stuff on the bottom and a sweaty foot shoved all the way to the end of its sole. Catbert: I'll leave this one blank. Dilbert: Because my opinions don't matter?
CEO: Before I make my decision, I'd like to ask for your opinions. It's supposed to make you feel "engaged." Dilbert: And you actually plan to listen to us? CEO: I'm hoping it will look that way on the outside.