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The Boss: Two people in a focus group loved our product. So we're doubling our production. Dilbert: The opinions of two people are not statically useful. ...especially if you're one of the two people. The boss: I knew those free sandwiches were too good to be true.
DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT Dogbert and the Boss sit at a conference table. Dogbert says, "A good way to judge corporate health is to look at your employee turnover rate." The Boss says, "Our turnover rate is very low. We only hire people who aren't skilled enough to work anyplace else." Dogbert says, "Maybe metrics aren't the way to go here." The Boss says, "No metric has beaten me yet!!"
Pointing to a map, Dogbert tells the Boss, "Your best bet is to relocate the company to Russia." Dogbert continues, "You can hire engineers for two cents a year!" The Boss asks, "Is it difficult to weed out the dumb ones?" Dogbert says, "No. And that leads me into the good news about their occupational safety laws." The Boss says, "It's like heaven!"
The Boss, Wally, Alice and Dilbert sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "I'm reorganizing the department into fast-moving teams." Wally responds, "Good plan. We'll never realize we're powerless, micro-managed serfs after we call ourselves a 'team.'" The Boss thinks, "I need some less experienced people." Wally says, "I feel faster already." Alice adds, "The G-forces are killing me".
Dogbert sits on the couch backrest and Ratbert stands on the armrest. Dogbert says, "When I conquer the world I'll have a secret handshake to identify the people who will be part of my new ruling class." Dogbert says, "Cross your eyes and stick out your tongue. Good, now vigorously slap your face." As Ratbert slaps himself, Dogbert says, "The people who aren't doing that will be identified as my new ruling class."
Dilbert sits at a table and looks at a stamp through a magnifying glass. Dogbert asks, "Why do people collect stamps?" Dilbert replies, "Because they're valuable." Dogbert asks, "Why are they valuable?" Dilbert replies, "Because people collect up all the good ones." Dogbert says, "So, you collect stamps because they're valuable, and they're valuable because you collect them." Dilbert replies, "Right." Dogbert says, "Sounds pretty fulfilling." Dilbert replies, "To be honest, I just do it for the adrenalin rush."
Dilbert watches Dogbert sleeping on the hassock. He thinks, "Why do dogs twitch their feet when they sleep?" Dilbert thinks, "It's so cute. They must be dreaming about chasing cars." In Dogbert's dream, he stands on a throne and says, "Ha ha! I am Saint Dogbert! Line up to kiss my feet, you knaves!" Saint Dogbert asks Dilbert, "What's on my schedule today, lackey?" Dilbert looks at the schedule and says, "You'll be pushing whiney, ugly people into mud at nine." Dilbert continues, "Then, you'll tease cats about their grooming methods until ten." Dogbert says, "Good, good." Dilbert says, "Then you'll raise taxes, go to lunch, and take the rest of the day off." Dogbert wakes up and thinks, "Reality: what a gyp."
Ratbert, Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a conference table. Ratbert says, "I had years of valuable experience as a rodent before I became vice president of marketing." Ratbert continues, "My marketing plan is simple. Each of you will cling to the leg of a technology columnist until we get some good press." Dilbert approaches a technology columnist and says, "It looks like you're full." The man has people clinging to both legs. He responds, "You can cling to the cat until a space opens."
The Boss says to Wally, "Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing." The Boss continues, "Your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left." Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a table eating lunch. Wally asks, "Is it just me . . . or is the quality of 'good news' really going downhill lately?" Dilbert replies, "I'd have to say you're both going downhill."
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss asks, "Why do you want a job as our network administrator, Mister Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "I don't like people. This is a good opportunity to annoy idiots such as yourself for my own entertainment." The Boss says, "Wow. You're perfect. Can you start tomorrow?" Dogbert replies, "Sure, as far as you know. I'll give you my pager number."