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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 18, 2008's comic on:


Tags #philanthropist, #eat for one day, #opulent life, #super models, #stop giving, #inspire, #try harder

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Dogbert the Philanthropist Dogbert says, "If I give a man a fish, he will eat for one day." Dogbert says, "But if I inspire him by my opulent lifestyle and my squiring of supermodels, he might try harder." Dilbert says, "You can't stop giving." Dogbert says, "It's like a curse."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 29, 2010's comic on:


Tags #new boyfriend, #coworker, #angry, #jack, #clench fist, #restaurant, #waiter, #bent fork, #red flag, #relationship, #bad choice

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Alice says, "Carol, this is my new boyfriend, Angry Jack." Alice says, "I met him in a restaurant after he beat up a busser for bringing a bent fork." Carol says, "In thie white trash community, we call that a red flag." Alice says, "You weren't there. That fork was a mess."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 22, 2010's comic on:


Tags #get coffee, #answer question, #block exit, #stuck, #airvent, #game, #feet

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Coworker says, "Wally do you have a minute?" Wally says, "Nope I'm far too busy." Coworker says, "I'm blocking the only exit. You have no choice but to answer my question." Coworker says, "I blocked the air vent too." Wally says, "Well played."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 14, 2009's comic on:


Tags #worried, #nervousness, #humor, #laziness, #occupation

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Dilbert says, "I'm tense because the company is downsizing and I have no project." Wally says, "Being worthless at work is only hard for the first ten years. After that it's a lifestyle." Dilbert says, "I didn't say I was worthless." Wally says, "Now you're making me nostalgic for my old denial phase."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 30, 2009's comic on:


Tags #proposition, #marriage, #ridiculous, #confused, #reading, #explanation, #relationships

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Alice says, "I crunched the numbers, and it makes sense for us to get married." Alice says, "I can maintain my lifestyle if you live in the closet and your only hobby is cleaning my house when I'm gone." Alice says, "If that doesn't work, I can insure the bejeezus out of you and hope for the best." Dilbert says, "The best?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 01, 2009's comic on:


Tags #selling, #failure, #winning: models, #product, #options

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Asok says, "Our product comes with 27 moedels with over 9,000 options." Dilbert says, "Given my limited time to study the options, you have guaranteed that I will make a sub-optimal choice." Dilbert says, "Thanks for making me a failure." Asok says, Well it's not really "selling" if we both win."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 30, 2011's comic on:


Tags #laziness, #lying, #work ethic, #wasting time options, #two options, #truth or lie, #pin blame, #faster to hear lie, #document is perfect, #assign balme, #later say misinterpreted

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Woman says, "Dilbert, your boss asked me to get your input on this." Dilbert says, "Absolutely, Ruth." Dilbert says, "We have two options for wasting our time here." Dilbert says, "Option one: I could tell you all of the things you should change, and you could ignore me as usual." Dilbert says, "Option two: I could lie, and tell you that everything is perfect." Woman says, "I prefer the lie. That way I can pin some blame on you if things go bad." Dilbert says, "Excellent choice. It's faster, and I can later say I was misinterpreted." Dilbert says, "Okay then, I declare that your document is perfect, under a certain set of assumptions that I won't list." The Boss says, "Did you help Ruth?" Dilbert says, "I'll say yes, but it's sort of a gray area."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 18, 2009's comic on:


Tags #asking, #project, #complaining, #time, #work, #cruel, #mean

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the Boss says, "I need you to write a white paper for an industry trade association." Dilbert says, "Fine, but that will leave me with less time to work on my project." The Boss says, "Do the trade association stuff during your unproductive time." Dilbert says, "What exactly is my 'Unproductive time'?" The Boss says ,"It goes by many names, including sleep, leisure and healthy lifestyle." Dilbert says, "If I do less of those things it will reduce the quality of my life below the point at which good hygiene has any utility." The Boss says, "I don't want to make out with your. I just want you to work harder for no extra money." The Boss thinks, "I spend too much time explaining the obvious."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 27, 2007's comic on:


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"The best choice for employee of the month is..." "Congratulations to Alice for being our employee of the month!" "You get to use my parking spot near the entrance for the rest of the month." "I take public transit to work." "You also get to take the rest of today off." "It's already five o'clock, and you said I need to finish my project by tomorrow morning." "And you get to have pizza with me." "I'm on a @#$% low carb diet!!!" "I nailed it." PIZZA

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Share September 29, 2007's comic on:


Tags #pretending, #loyal, #try to appear, #more loyal, #couldn't be more

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CatBert: "Wally, your choice of words leads us to think you are only pretending to be loyal to the company." wally: "Sorry. I'll try to appear more loyal in the future." CAtbert: "You did it again." Wally: "Don't be silly. I couldn't be more loyal."