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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 22, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #stand-up, #comedy, #competition, #straightforward, #freestyle, #mandatory, #categories, #mattresses

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Dilbert says to Dogbert, "I've decided to enter the stand-up comedy competition next week." Dilbert reads a document and continues, "The rules seem pretty straightforward . . . Five minutes per person . . . The first minute is freestyle comedy." Dilbert continues, "The remaining time is for the mandatory categories: Dan Quayle, flatulence, and the warning labels on mattresses."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 22, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #doctor, #patients, #turbocharged, #x-ray, #machine, #waiting, #room, #eyes, #diagnoses, #arrive, #mail, #stroke, #genius, #schedule, #hypochondriacs

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Dogbert, who is holding a stethoscope, says to a room full of people, "Attention, all patients!" Dogbert continues, "I have turbocharged the x-ray machine and aimed it at the waiting room. Everybody close your eyes for five minutes then leave. Your diagnoses will arrive by mail." Dogbert walks away saying, "It was a stroke of genius to schedule all of the hypochondriacs for the same day."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 09, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #school, #technology, #microwave, #timer, #fool, #beta, #imbeciles

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Dogbert asks the class, "Can anybody show me what you do with a microwave?" A man opens the microwave and says, "I insert the video tape . . . Then I set the timer for ninety minutes . . ." A cloud of smoke comes from the microwave. Dogbert asks, "Does anybody know why it isn't working?" A man says, "The fool! It's Beta!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 15, 2012's comic on:


Tags #complaining, #low priority tasks, #transform into emergency, #escalated, #all worked up, #complain about attitude

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Alice: Stop whatever you're doing and go research the answer to this question. Brad: I don't have time to work on low-priority tasks. Alice: Give me ten minutes to transform it into an emergency. Brad is being unhelpful. I need you to talk to his boss. Boss: Sure. Brad refuses to help Alice. Brad's Boss: Help her do what? Boss: I don't know, but obviously it's very important because it got escalated. Brad's Boss: It must be an emergency because everyone is all worked up about it. Alice: Now hum a happy tune or I'll complain about your attitude.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 18, 1994's comic on:


Tags #resources vailable, #common employees, #more money, #project, #all gone, #hypocrite boss, #no time

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The Boss: "Although I'm technically the 'Boss' I believe it's my job to make resources available to you, the common employees." Dilbert: "I need more money for my project." The Boss: "Sorry, all gone." Dilbert: "Maybe I'll get on your calendar so we can discuss it." The Boss: I've got twenty minutes next summer."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 15, 1994's comic on:


Tags #management fast tracker, #deliver big report, #ceo, #fax, #shredder, #tricked, #punked, #contempt

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"Hey, Matt. How's our favorite management fast-tracker?" "Great! I've got two minutes to deliver my big report to our CEO. Can you tell me where the fax is?" "Oops, I'm wrong. That's the shredder." "He'll go far in this company." "Bzzzzp."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 06, 1995's comic on:


Tags #captain dogbert, #good news, #bad news, #hotting town early, #actually hitting town, #crash warning, #corporate jet, #ceo, #dog, #animals

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The corporate jet flies over the mountains. From the cockpit, Dogbert says, "This is Captain Dogbert with some good news and some bad news." Dogbert continues, "The good news is that we'll be hitting town ten minutes ahead of schedule . . ." Dogbert continues, "The bad news is we'll be hitting town."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 19, 1990's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #asteroid, #Dogbert, #death, #space, #evil, #golf ball, #dooms day

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Dilbert stands at a desk and Dogbert sits next to a telescope. Dilbert says, "According to my calculations, the asteroid 'Sagnorpt' will collide with earth in 2.3 minutes." Dogbert covers his eyes and screams, "We're all gonna die!" Dogbert hugs Dilbert's legs and shouts, "I'm sorry about all of those bad things I've done to you!" Dogbert cries, "I renounce my evil ways! I dedicate the remaining minute of my life to the poor!!" Dogbert says, "Waitta minute . . . Why aren't you groveling for salvation?" Dilbert replies, "The asteroid is only the size of a golf ball." There's a large crash. Dilbert lies on the floor after the asteroid hits him on the head. Dogbert says, "I probably shouldn't try to read too much into this."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 26, 1996's comic on:


Tags #arbitrary clerical deadline, #preserve integrity, #time reporting system, #time sheet, #annoying

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Dilbert hands a time sheet to a woman at a desk and says, "Here's my time sheet, including guesses for the next two days so I can meet your arbitrary clerical deadline." Dilbert continues, "If anything important comes up, I'll ignore it to preserve the integrity of the time-reporting system." The woman asks, "Are you finished annoying me yet?" Dilbert answers, "According to my time sheet I'll be here for another 14 minutes."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 01, 1996's comic on:


Tags #alice slams wally, #fast forwarded, #harrasment, #ignore sexy, #mandatory video, #sext, #sexual harassment, #video, #evolution

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Wally says to Alice, "I just watched the mandatory video on sexual harassment. It worked!" Wally continues, "In only thirty minutes, that video corrected a billion years of evolution. Do something sexy and watch me ignore it!" After Alice shoves Wally's head into the wall, he says, "I probably shouldn't have fast-forwarded through the boring parts."