No One Wants Job Comic Strips - Page 5

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

1000 Results for No One Wants Job

View 41 - 50 results for no one wants job comic strips. Discover the best "No One Wants Job" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #help desk, #reengineered, #out of existence, #never call again, #pie chart, #crush computer, #ass flour, #bake one hour, #free novel, #manual, #repeat process

View Transcript

Transcript

A bald man says into the telephone, "Hello, is this the 'Help Desk'?" Dogbert wears a headset and sits at a computer. He replies, "No, that group got reengineered out of existence." Dogbert continues, "I'm the new 'No Help Whatsoever Desk.' My job is to make sure you never call again." The man asks, "Can you tell me how to make a pie chart?" Dogbert replies, "Crush your computer into small chunks, add flour and bake one hour." Dogbert continues, "While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named 'Manual.'" Dogbert continues, "Repeat the process until you get the desired result." The man sits next to an oven reading an instruction manual. He thinks, "This lost a LOT in the translation."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fear of action, #festering cynicism, #lame company, #loyalty, #micromanged, #need help, #only one on earth, #physical abnormalities, #six years experince, #downsizing

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert arrives at home carrying a briefcase. Dogbert sits on the armrest of the chair. Dilbert says, "I need your help, Dogbert." Dilbert carries Dogbert to the desk as he explains, "My company is downsizing. They told us to write our own job requirements then reapply for our jobs." Dogbert asks, "Why do you want to keep working for such a lame company?" Dilbert quips, "Loyalty!" Dilbert and Dogbert laugh. Dogbert says, "Good one." Dogbert says, "Okay. You must write your job requirements so you are the only one on earth who fits." Dilbert replies, "Right." Dogbert dictates, "The candidate must have six years experience sitting in a big box being micromanaged by a nitwit." Dilbert adds, "The candidate must have a festering cynicism and an acquired fear of action." Dogbert says, "Good." Dilbert says, "That narrows it to ten thousand employees." Dogbert says, "We'll have to focus on your physical abnormalities."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #phil, #prince insufficient light, #spreme ruler, #hideous fates sins, #high pay, #eternal poverty, #useful, #appreciated, #current job, #telecommuting

View Transcript

Transcript

Phil the Ruler of Heck watches Dilbert and thinks, "My next victim." Phil says, "I am Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light and Supreme Ruler of Heck!!" Dilbert sits at his desk and replies, "Hi, Phil." Phil says, "You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins." Phil continues, "You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned in front of you at the end of each day . . ." Phil continues, "Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated." Dilbert says, "WOW! They're BOTH better than my current job!" Dilbert says, "Hey, Wally, you might want to get in on this!" Wally confesses, "I watch tv when I'm supposed to be telecommuting." Phil thinks, "I hate the nineties." Dilbert waves his hand and says, "Do me first!"

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #downsize wally, #downsized, #economic neccessity, #exercise didn't work, #salary, #stressful job, #team builkding, #value of stock options, #afford movies, #money

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss sits at his desk and says, "Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you." The Boss continues, "It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity." Dilbert tugs nervously at his necktie. The Boss says, "I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options." The Boss continues, "Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional time per year." The Boss continues, "And let's face it: recreation is important when one has a stressful job." Dilbert waves his arms and says sarcastically, "Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn too. Sheesh!" The Boss thinks, "Mmm . . ." Wally asks Dilbert, "How'd it go?" Dilbert says, "You know that team-building exercise we did last week? It didn't take."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #deny request, #evil incarnate, #something specific, #dollar estimate, #value, #chair, #quantify job, #work tools

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert approaches a worker sitting at his desk. He is holding a piece of paper and says, "Why did the I.S. department deny my request for a P.C. upgrade?" The worker holds up his arms and shouts, "Because we are evil incarnate! BUWAHAHAHA!!" Dilbert says, "I was looking for something more specific." The worker holds out the paper and says, "You didn't provide a dollar estimate of the benefits." Dilbert says, "That's ridiculous. I can't put a value on every tool I need to do my job." The worker sits back in his chair with his arms folded and says, "If you can't quantify it, then it must not be necessary." Dilbert throws up his hands and says, "Then why does the company give me a chair? I can't quantify that either." Dilbert sits on the floor of his cubicle, without a chair. He thinks, "Here's one more reason why it stinks to be me."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #away from job, #blah blah, #cell phones, #jurors, #jury duty, #jury room, #read book, #talking

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: AAHH, One week away from my job. Jury room Dilbert: I'll have hours of quiet time to read my new book, woman: There's a guy here with a book.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #crossgrain on accounting, #system, #lose respect, #job security, #whole job, #accounts erceivable, #not expense, #no complaints

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss has his arm around Asok. He says to Ed, "Ed, I want you to crosstrain Asok on the accounting system." The Boss continues, "And don't worry that you'll lost respect and job security if Asok learns your whole job in one day." Asok and Ed are sitting at a computer. Asok says, "I don't think 'Accounts Receivable' is an expense." Ed replies, "No one has complained yet."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employee meail, #monitor, #recently estranged lovers, #curse words, #job title

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert is sitting at his computer. He says to The Boss, "I can monitor all employee e-mail from here." Catbert continues, "I'm looking for recently estranged lovers so I can promote one of them over the other." A man holds up a piece of paper and asks a female coworker, "Why is my new job title a long string of curse words?" The woman responds, "I win."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #construction bid, #award for job, #team of skilled craftmen, #ex wife, #truck on fire

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert holds a piece of paper and says, "Your construction bid is the lowest so I have to award you the job." Dilbert asks, "When can your team of highly skilled craftsmen begin?" The beaver responds, "I'll call you." The beaver is leaning over a huge book titled, "Excuses." He says into the telephone, "Day one: My ex-wife set my truck on fire."

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #job interview, #vacation, #yelling, #bad impression, #nothing right, #work to death, #late for interview

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: You're an hour late for a job interview. woman: You're working me to death! Im only one person! I need a vacation! The Boss: you're supposed to say that stuff after I are you. woman: OOO suddenly I can't do anything right?