Opening Offer Comic Strips - Page 5
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The Boss sees Dilbert carrying a stack of paper and says, "We've all noticed the volume of work you carry around. Your quiet leadership inspires us." The Boss continues, "I'd like to promote you to manager so you can imbue others with your work ethic." At home, Dilbert loads the paper into the furnace while Dogbert watches. Dogbert asks, "Does he know you use the documents to heat our house?" Dilbert replies, "No. And I asked him to put the job offer in writing."
Tags #reduce budget
The Boss says to Dilbert, "We've been asked to reduce our budget. I'm going to offer to cut your project because it's the most critical." The Boss continues, "The finance guys won't dare cut that project. My ploy will spare us from any cuts at all." Dilbert says, "Excuse me while I panic." The Boss says, "Tell me again what your project is about. They might ask."
The Boss, Dilbert and a male employee sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "Okay, so we shipped a million keyboards that don't have the letter 'Q.' What do we do?" The man says, "We could offer free upgrades to users who can prove they need a 'Q.'" The Boss asks, "How many users need a 'Q?'" The man answers, "Well . . . there's the royal family . . ."
Dogbert, Wally and Dilbert sit around a conference table. Dogbert says, "You could offer free replacements for all the keyboards you sold without a 'Q,' or you could blame the media for blowing it out of proportion." Wally says, "Let's blame the media. They'll admit they were wrong and the whole thing will disappear." Dogbert says, "You have a brilliant grasp of human nature, Wally." Wally responds, "I know. My third wife always said the same thing."
Dilbert sits across from Catbert's desk. Dilbert asks, "Does Human Resources offer any treatment programs for people with dysfunctional internet connections?" Catbert shows Dilbert a pamphlet and says, "I recommend the 'yarn therapy.' You'll be wrapped in a huge ball of yarn and used as furniture in my office." Dilbert reads the brochure and asks, "Is this like the famous 'Ropes' course where I learn to solve problems as part of a team?" Catbert replies, "Exactly, except here you learn to be my couch."
Dilbert and Dogbert stand in the hallway of a couple's house. The man says, "We're so glad you guys could stop by." Dilbert replies, "Thanks for inviting us." Dogbert thinks, "We hardly know them." The woman says, "I'd offer you some coffee, but that would be a bother." Dilbert says, "Uh . . . None for me. Thanks." The woman says, "I noticed you didn't bring any food as a courtesy to your hosts. I guess we'll eat when you leave." The man says, "We usually watch television now, but I'll try not to appear bitter about your visit." The man and woman sit in chairs while Dilbert and Dogbert sit on the floor. The man asks, "Why haven't we done this sooner?" Dogbert replies, "We thought you were scum."
Dilbert stands at the counter wearing an apron. He reads a recipe and thinks, "Add one jar of spaghetti sauce . . ." Dilbert struggles with the lid on the can. Dilbert lies on the counter trying to open the jar. Dogbert says, "Let me try to humiliate you by opening it easily." Dogbert struggles with the lid and thinks, "This definitely would have worked in 'Family Circus.'" Dogbert walks down the hall and says, "I'll see if Bob can open it." Dogbert hands the jar to Bob the Dinosaur. Bob says, "No problem for a mighty dinosaur." Bob smashes the lid against his forehead. Dilbert scrapes the sauce off Bob's forehead and into the bowl. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Will you STOP humming 'My Way.'"
Dogbert sits on a chair watching television. A voice from the tv says, "This is Phil, Ruler of Heck, with a special offer for my patented 'Exerspoon.'" In the commercial, Phil holds his spoon between his thighs and says, "You can do over seven million exercises with the 'Exerspoon.'" It even trims problem areas!" Phil continues, "And thanks to the innovative spoon shape, storage is a breeze!" The commercial shows a man and women in a bed, sleeping in the spoon position with the Exerspoon.
Catbert stands on a desk and says to Dilbert, "Here are the resumes of highly qualified applicants for your opening." Catbert snatches the resumes away from Dilbert and says, "It's too bad we don't pay enough to hire qualified applicants. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!" Alice and Dilbert sit at a table looking through piles of resumes. Alice says, "Let's see . . . We've got resumes in pencil . . . Crayon . . . pencil . . . Eyeliner . . ." Dilbert says, "Hey! Dot matrix!"
At the staff meeting, The Boss says, "The sales force was offered a retirement buyout package of fifty dollars." He continues, "One hundred percent of the sales force elected to take the offer." The Boss says, "I wonder what they know that we don't know." Wally turns to Dilbert and says, "There's a hole with no bottom."