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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 26, 1992's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #photo, #proof, #completed, #hit-man, #contract, #Dilbert, #sitting, #lifeless, #stuffed, #chair, #looks, #watching, #technically, #kill, #prove, #life

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Dogbert hands a photograph to a man behind a desk and says, "Here is photo proof that I completed my hit-man contract on Dilbert." The man replies, "Excellent." Dogbert says, "Here he is, sitting lifeless in his stuffed chair." The man looks at the picture and says, "It looks like he's just watching television." Dogbert says, "Technically, my contract doesn't say I must kill him. It says I must 'prove he has no life.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 31, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #hypnotic, #powers, #supreme, #earth, #computer, #satellite

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Dogbert stands on the desk chair and says into a camera, "This is Dogbert . . . You are all under my hypnotic powers . . ." A satellite dish sits on the desk. Dogbert transmits to a satellite orbiting earth, "I am the supreme ruler of earth. You must all carry Dogbert posters and chant 'Dogbert is my king.'" Dogbert concludes, "That is all for now. If I think of anything else important I'll let you know." Ratbert enters holding a sign with Dogbert's picture on it and chanting, ". . . Is my king."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 29, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #television, #network, #reports, #stories, #Games, #yesterday, #millionaires, #problems, #darryl, #brain, #crime

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Dilbert sits at his desk. Dogbert says, "I'm going to start up a television news network that only reports happy stories." Dogbert sits at a news desk and says, "In sports, fifty percent of the teams won their games yesterday and all the players are millionaires - most of whom have no serious drug problems." Dogbert continues, "Our person of the week is Darryl, who, despite his tiny brain, found success through a life of crime." In the corner of the tv screen there is a picture of a man holding a bag of money and hugging a woman in front of a palm tree.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 16, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #management, #seminar, #optimistic, #creative, #individuals, #jargon-spewing, #corporate, #zombies, #donut

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Dogbert points to a picture of a man with a lightbulb over his head. Dogbert says, "Many of you come to my management seminar as optimistic, creative, clear-speaking individuals." Dogbert continues, "But with hard work, you can become jargon-spewing corporate zombies, like Carl here." Dilbert sits in the audience. Carl sits in a chair looking straight ahead and saying, "I want to dialogue with you about utilizing resources." Dogbert says, "Good boy! Here's a donut." Dogbert tosses him a donut.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 17, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #zombies, #squash, #creativity, #facial, #expression, #comprehension, #marketing, #fear

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Dogbert stands in front of an audience and says, "The successful zombie knows how to squash the creativity of co-workers." Dogbert points to a picture of a man with bags under his eyes and says, "When you hear a new idea, adopt a facial expression which conveys both fear and an utter lack of comprehension." Dogbert continues, "Those of you who work in marketing only need to add the fear part." Someone asks, "Why is that?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 09, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #plate

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Dilbert sits down at the table where Dogbert is writing on plates. Dilbert asks, "What are you making?" Dogbert replies, "Commemorative collectible plates." Dogbert explains, "One of the mysteries of life is that you can put any picture on a plate and hordes of morons will want to own it." Dilbert holds up a plate and says, "Wow! An acorn! And it's on a plate!" Dogbert asks, "What's it like to be a member of a horde?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 08, 1994's comic on:


Tags #iso 9000 certfication, #create boring, #poorly written document, #big binder, #copies to dept. heads, #dead racoon

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Dilbert puts a transparency on an overhead projector and says, "Here's the basic plan for getting our 'ISO 9000' certification." Dilbert points at the diagram and continues, "Each of you will create an insanely boring, poorly written document. I'll combine them into one big honkin' binder." Dilbert points to a picture of a man passing a binder to another man and continues, "I'll send copies to all department heads for comment. They will treat it like a dead raccoon and route it to the first passerby."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 09, 1995's comic on:


Tags #thought leaders, #whats worng, #no thoughts, #cloud, #no ideas, #blank head bos

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Dilbert, Wally, Alice, the Boss and another worker sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "From now on, the managers at my level will be called 'thought leaders.'" Dilbert and Wally stare at him in amazement. Dilbert asks Wally, "What's wrong with this picture?" The Boss's thoughts are shown to be empty.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 19, 1995's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #financial advisor, #living in dumpster, #twenty years, #dogcart deferred income, #own a mansion?, #photo of mansion

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Dogbert says to a prospective client, "Here's a picture of you living in a dumpster in twenty years." Dogbert continues, "But if you invest in the 'Dogbert Deferred Income Fund' take a look at what you could own someday!!" The client says, "I could own a mansion?!!" Dogbert says, "You could own a photograph."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 05, 1995's comic on:


Tags #lousy vendor, #sales rep, #gorgeous, #field engineer, #without shirt, #indian chief, #maintenance package

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Alice stands behind Wally's desk and says, "I can't believe you're recommending this lousy vendor just because the sales rep is gorgeous." Wally hands Alice a photograph and says, "Here's a picture of Thor, their field engineer." Alice stares at the picture and asks, "Does he really work without a shirt?" Wally answers, "Only if you but the 'Indian Chief' maintenance package."