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Dilbert: Your department has a reputation for being difficult to work with. But I know we can cooperate to make my project a success. Man: Id love yo help but my head is full of birdseed and my pants are glued to this chair. Dilbert: I'll talk to your boss. Man: Good Luck. He's a soap carving.
The Boss: How's your project coming along? Dilbert: Its under-funded and doomed. But Ive got some goof inertia going and Im setting the marketing department up to take the blame. The Boss: I feel like I should be doing something here. Dilbert: Ive got you planned to make an uniformed decision next week.
The Boss: "We just had a meeting and decided to change your project substantially." "We didn't invite you to the meeting because things go smoother when nobody has any actual knowledge." Dilbert: "So, what are the changes?" The Boss: "If I remember, I'll leave you a voice mail."
"I was just reading your project status report." "You say the project is delayed 'due to the ongoing bungling of a clueless, pointy-haired individual.'" "Instead of saying 'due to', it would read better as 'facilitated by'."
"I'm cancelling your project so I can give your funding to a project that has a much cooler acronym." "Ha! The joke's on you! I anticipated this move from the beginning and have done nothing but carry empty binders for weeks!" "Being good at your job is less fulfilling than you might think, Dogbert."
"If I start the project today and work nights and weekends it will take...oh, six months." "It has to be done in ONE month so we can show it to our VP on her annual visit." "I have to know; does it even cross your mind to handle this differently?" "I'll need daily status reports on why you're so behind."
Dilbert: Here's my daily project status report. Morale is low. There is talk of mutiny. we dream of quitting and becoming lifeguards on "Baywatch" Death to the pointy haired one. The Boss: Holy Cow! "Baywatch' is hiring??!
The Boss: Do you remember when the company President visited? You asked why your project had been cancelled. He promised to get an answer, That task has been delegated all the way down to me. Id like you to craft a response for me, You'll have to put your new project on hold until this is done.
Dilbert: Here's the final design for Project 'Zebra'. I worked day and night for weeks to finish it on time. The Boss: I canceled that project a month ago, I meat to tell you. Dilbert: In some countries it would be legal to kill you with this binder, The Boss: Thats why I don't travel.
Dilbert: The only way to finish the project on time is by adding four engineers. Wally: theres one other option. you could make menacing statements about filberts job security until he works five times as hard. Just kidding. hee hee! The Boss: Ive been thinking about reducing headcount.