Seat Upgrade Comic Strips - Page 5
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You're an idiot if you think the software upgrade will solve every one of our problems. Dilbert: Or are you an idiot for characterizing my reasonable idea as an absurd absolute? Why cant you admit when you're wrong? Dilbert: Same reason you've never eaten a unicorn.
vendor: we can't finish the installation unless you buy our server upgrade. dilbert: that means you lied when you bid for the job, because you did not include a server upgrade. vendor: who's the fool now? dilbert: that would be me.
wally at coffee pot talking to Dilbert:: social distancing has been a great upgrade to my life. in the old days, women avoided me by at least ten feet. now i often get within seven. i think it's because i'm better-looking with most of my face covered. especially if i wear a hat and sunglasses. and i learned that women will talk to me if i walk the wrong way down a grocery aisle. they're usually complaining but at least they make eye contact. it's sort of a golden age for people like me.
tina: it feels as if the days are going by faster lately. dilbert: that's because we're a computer simulation that just got a software upgrade. tina: there's really nothing you can't ruin with that nonsense, is there? dilbert: i hear that a lot.
Boss: Ted can explain what you need to do before the platform upgrade. Dilbert: No he can't. Ted's brain is where knowledge goes to die. He's not good at explaining things. The knowledge might be in his brain, but it's trapped there. Unfortunately, Ted's incompetence is so unbelievable that you literally don't believe me. In time, you will assume that Ted taught me well but I forgot all of it. I'm doomed before I start. Let's just declare failure and move on. Boss: That works for me. Dilbert: Partial victory.
Dogbert: Want some free software? Boss: What's it do? Dogbert: All it does is beg you for upgrades. And if you upgrade, then it begs you to upgrade again and so on. And it makes all of you other software run slow. Boss: And it's free?
Dilbert drives his car and Dogbert sits in the passenger seat. Dogbert's ears are standing straight up. Dilbert says, ". . . And the doctor says it's all in your mind." Dilbert and Dogbert walk into the house. Dilbert continues, "Your ears will return to normal when you forgive me for scaring you yesterday." Dogbert puts a lit firecracker next to Dilbert's bed while he is sleeping. Dogbert says as he leaves the room, "Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge."
Dilbert says to Dogbert, "It's NOT a stupid idea." Dilbert explains, "You see, people who don't own cars are missing out on the prestige of using car phones." Dilbert has turned a phone booth on its side and added wheels, a steering wheel and a drivers seat. Dilbert continues, "The car-phonebooth is a natural solution . . . Granted, it uses a lot of coins." Dogbert walks away.
Dilbert sits at a conference table with three people and thinks, "Uh-oh . . . sneeze coming." Dilbert sneezes violently. Dilbert's sneeze blew the toupee off the man next to him and knocked a woman out of her seat. Dilbert thinks, "I can pretend that didn't happen, or change my name and leave town."
Dogbert stands in front of a flying saucer and thinks, "It is my destiny to conquer Elbonia using Dilbert's hover-saucer invention." Dogbert climbs into the saucer thinking, "I feel intoxicated with power and blinded by my own ambition." Dogbert sits in the driver's seat thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't drive while under the influence of metaphors."