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Asok says, "Wally, what do you plan to do after you retire?" Wally says, "Retirement is for losers, Asok." Wally says, "Winners keep their jobs but stop caring about the quality of their work." Wally says, "I have no stress, free coffee, and I get paid, too." Wally says, "Watch how this works." Ted says, "Wally, can you give me some cost estimates for my project?" Wally says, "I'm too busy. Ask Dilbert." Asok says, "Doesn't this make you a worthless leech on society?" Wally says, "I'm pretty sure the winner in that example is the leech."
Dilbert: "This concludes the useful part of my presentation." "Now let's open the floor to suggestions from people who are unqualified to do their own jobs, much less mine." "Yes, you with the forehead." Man: "Can you make the software out of recycled paper?"
"I surplussed Ted. You'll need to absorb his function." "Absorb his function?" "Are you telling me to do two jobs for one salary?" "No, I'm telling you to absorb his function.. in an absorptive fashion." "..Using osmosis, symbiosis, and synergy." "Can you change reality by inventing new names for ordinary things?" "I sure hope so. Otherwise my entire career has been a.. a.." "Tragic series of monkey-brained mistakes?" "Key learning."
Dogbert is sitting at a conference table across from Dilbert and Alice and flanked by the boss and Wally. Dogbert says, "What is your most valuable asset?" Wally says, "Employees?" The boss stifles a laugh "Hee" Dogbert says, "Your most valuable asset is rampant ignorance." Dogbert continues, "For example, you would never start a project if you knw how much it would really cost." Turning to Wally, Dogbert says, "Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street." Wally says, "What?" Turning to the boss, Dogbert says, "Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs." The boss says, "Good point." Holding a trashcan, Dogbert says, "I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid any accidental exposure to knowledge." An employee, wearing a trashcan over his head, says, "Did he tell you he was a consultant?" Another trashcanned employee says, "He said he was selling trash cans."
CEO: I'm reading a book about what it takes to be a great leader. Do you know what Steve Jobs, Warren Buffett, Gandhi, and Ryan Seacrest have in common? Dilbert: None of them read this book. CEO: And they are carbon-based life-forms.
Boss: I heard a rumor that you have two jobs and you outsource both of them to Elbonia and keep the difference. Wally: That's crazy. I assure you I don not have two jobs outsourced to Elbonia. Boss: Is it more than two? Wally: That's a different conversation.
Boss: I see myself as a leader in the mold of Steve Jobs. Alice: Try rinsing your entire body with vinegar. That might remove his mold. Boss: Are we talking about the same thing? Alice: Please don't touch anything I own.
Dilbert: I discovered that the customer for our fleet sale of commercial drones is an international terrorist. Now we have to cancel the order, take a big hit to earnings, and decimate the value of your stock options in the company. CEO: Or... I could transfer you to a department that has a poor safety record and hope for the best.
Tags #big business, #business ethics, #obliviousness, #core competencies, #automating things, #worshipping stars quo, #steve jobs, #reanimated body, #making lapses, #fiduciary responsibility, #hearing what we want
Dilbert: I did a study of our core competencies. It seems we're very good at automating things that we shouldn't be doing in the first place. But that's not all we're good at. We're also good at worshipping the status quo as if it were Steve Jobs' reanimated body. And no one is as good at masking lapses in fiduciary responsibility. Lastly, we're good at hearing what we want to hear. Boss: So... we're good at automating things?
Dilbert:I'm hitting a snag with this RFP because our products don't do what they need. Should I give up and accept failure or lie about our features and transfer the problem to them? Boss: My daddy used to say it isn't a problem if you can give it to someone else. Dilbert: Then he drove you to school?