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Character
Tuesday April 09,
2002
Tags #bragging, #hours per week, #made up, #reorganized pattern, #seventy hours, #sixty hours, #complaining
Transcript
Dilbert, Wally, and Alice are eating lunch. Dilbert says, "I worked sixty hours last week." Alice replies, "That's nothing. I worked seventy hours." Wally says, "That's nothing..." Wally continues, "Oh, wait... I just recognized the pattern."
Monday May 27,
2002
Tags #bandwidth, #budget, #double click, #engineer for week, #interface, #ping director, #scope, #batch mode
Transcript
The Boss says to Alice and Dilbert, "Let's ping the director of marketing and double-click on the budget." The Boss continues, "Then we can interface in batch mode and put a scope on his bandwidth." Alice cringes and exclaims, "Please stop doing that!" The Boss adds, "Have I mentioned that I was an engineer for a week?"
Monday July 15,
2002
Tags #30 thousand employees, #emails jokes per week, #file bankruptcy, #lost prodcutivity, #ten million, #holding employee responsible
Transcript
Catbert says to Tina, "Tina, our records show that you forward an average of nineteen e-mail jokes per week." Catbert continues, "Each joke goes to 30,000 employees, costing us ten million per year in lost productivity." Catbert concludes, "We plan to blame you when we file for bankruptcy next week." Tina is visibly worried.
Saturday August 24,
2002
Tags #software, #week, #ordering system, #honeymoon, #two weeks, #parole board, #outside system, #engineering
Transcript
Dilbert says into the phone, "And I need the software in a week." The voice on the other end of the line says, "Cheryl is the only one who knows the ordering system." The woman on the other end of the line says into the phone, "She's on her honeymoon for two weeks. You need CFO approval to buy software outside the system." Dilbert responds, "Fine. I'll talk to the CFO. When will he be available?" The voice responds, "Depends on the parole board."
Wednesday February 19,
2003
Tags #100 hrs a week, #ask for raise, #top secret facilit, #super genius, #resume, #honest, #take one, #know one
Transcript
An interviewee says to The Boss, "If you hire me, I'll work a hundred hours a week and never ask for a raise!" The interviewee continues, "I went to school at a top-secret facility for super geniuses; that's why it's not on my resume." The Boss says to Catbert, "And I'm sure it's all true because he says he's honest!" Catbert replies, "Apparently it doesn't take one to know one."
Monday April 28,
2003
Tags #business card orders, #downsized, #3 per week, #possibility of leaving, #rates, #fees, #calculations
Transcript
Dilbert approaches Carol and asks, "How many business cards should I order?" Carol responds, "It depends." Carol continues, "I use a complex formula based on your burn rate and your likelihood of getting downsized." Dilbert says, "I use about three per week." Carol replies, "You'll need three cards."
Wednesday May 28,
2003
Tags #extortion magazine, #more ad space, #week old spit, #half page ad
Transcript
Carol hands The Boss a magazine and says, "Our products got reviewed in the new issue of 'Extortion Magazine.'" The Boss reads, "If they had bought more ad space in this magazine, we would not compare their products to week-old spit." Carol says, "It's better than last month." The Boss responds, "I'll bet we can get to 'day-old' with another half-page ad."
Tuesday October 28,
2003
Tags #employee of week, #hose off, #company hose, #landing pad, #helicopter, #bird droppings
Transcript
The Boss: "Asok, you've been named 'Employee of the Week!'" "The title gives you access to the executive helicopter landing pad on the roof." "And by 'access' I mean you hose off the bird droppings every morning." Asok: "I get to use the company hose!!!"
Monday May 03,
2004
Tags #80 hour week, #crazy talk, #less work, #loofah, #evil director, #human resources, #business
Transcript
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Alice: Im working 80 hours a week. I barely have time to bathe. Catbert: try using your tongue during meetings, Its like a bath and a loofah all in one. Alice: Or I could do less work. Catbert: Thats crazy talk.
Sunday October 03,
1999
Tags #mordac, #preventer of information services, #exceeded disk sapce, #one week, #no email, #engineer, #survive, #modem taped ankle, #engineering
Transcript
Mordac, arms spread in exclamation, says to a seated Dilbert, "I am Mordac, the preventer of information services!!" Mordac points at Dilbert and says, "You have exceeded your allocation of disk space on the server!" Mordac says, "I sentence you to one week without e-mail." Dilbert says, "No problem." Mordac says, "No problem? How can an engineer survive without e-mail?" Mordac points to the wall and says, "UP AGAINST THE WALL!!" Mordac frisks Dilbert and says, "WHERE IS IT? Dilbert says to Dogbert, "He found the modem taped to my ankle but he missed my wireless pen modem." loremipsum