Won't Share Comic Strips - Page 5

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View 41 - 50 results for won't share comic strips. Discover the best "Won't Share" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #strategic asset, #market share, #fire yourself, #accountabilty

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The Boss: Human resources is a company's most important strategic asset. "That means it's your fault we're losing market share. Maybe you should fire yourself." "Strategic assets don't like accountability."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #meeting, #letter, #ceo, #reading, #good fortune, #share, #winery, #wine, #angry, #helicopters, #human chess board, #frighten, #dwarves, #business

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The Boss says, "Our CEO wants to share his good fortune with all employees." The Boss says, "He invites all of you to visit his winery and buy his non-award-winning wine at nearly retail prices." The Boss says, "He asks that you not park your helicopters near his human chess board because it frightens the dwarves."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #report, #oil rigs, #explode, #medicine, #bacteria, #pharmaceuticals, #government, #share holder, #success, #lie

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The Boss says, "I'm happy to report that none of our oil rigs exploded." The Boss says, "Our children's pharmaceuticals are not tainted with bacteria, and the government is not investigating our financial practices." The Boss says, "All we're doing is quietly losing share-holder value." CEO says, "I knew it would feel like success if we kept at it!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #masters forum, #share knowledge, #across dsiciplines, #insulted chairperson

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Woman says, "Would you like to be part of a masters forum to share knowledge across disciplines?" Dilbert says, "No. The only people who will be there are the ones who don't have anything better to do. I try to avoid people like that." Woman says, "I'm the chairperson." Dilbert says, "I'll get a lot done that day!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #arrange demo, #gave demo, #letter of intent, #potential customer, #slap yourself, #won't succeed, #40 million

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Dilbert says, "Would it be okay if I talked to a potential customer?" The Boss says, "No. You're not in sales. I need you to focus on your project." Dilbert says, "I already talked to them. Is it okay if I arrange a demo?" The Boss says, "No. Only the sales teams arrange demos." Dilbert says, "I already gave the demo." Dilbert says, "Is it okay if I convince them to buy $40 million of our product?" The Boss says, "No, because you won't succeed." Dilbert says, "Here's their letter of intent." The Boss says, "You shouldn't slap yourself now." Dilbert says, "Yes I... wait. Nice try."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #noise cancellation, #headphones, #shouting, #won't end well

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The Boss: Are you wearing noise cancellation headphones?" Wally: What?" "I SAID, ARE YOU WEARING NOISE CANCELLATION HEADPHONES?!" "What?" Dilbert: This won't end well. The Boss: I SAID..."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #vp of marketing, #spray paint the oadkill, #dishonesty, #isn't mortal, #won't work

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Dogbert, the VP of marketing Dogbert: "It's my job to spraypaint the roadkill." "I'll use a process the experts call 'dishonesty'." "My motto is 'if it isn't immoral, it probably won't work'."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #problems, #solutions, #won't work, #moron

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The Boss: "Don't bring me problems, bring me solutions." Dilbert: "When I bring you solutions, you tell me they won't work and treat me like a moron." The boss: "What's the problem with that?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employee appreciation day

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The Boss: We're going to have an employee appreciation day on the 8th! "That's a Sunday." Alice: That's the best day for a potluck lunch. The Boss: You'll have all day Saturday to make a dish to share!" "I'll need a volunteer to organize everything. Let's see...Which one of you is the woman?" "Bring jackets. It's supposed to be about 45 degrees in the park that day." "I won't be able to attend because I do personal stuff on weekends." "Take pictures!" I hope no one else brought a pine cone appetizer."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #new senior engineer, #ready for promotion, #5 year intern, #mean, #unfair, #poor business model, #department won't grow, #train new guy

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Asok: "I heard that you got approval to hire a new Senior Engineer." "As an intern, I have performed all the functions of a Senior Engineer for the past five years. I am now ready for promotion." The Boss: "I plan to hire someone from outside the company." "Must control tiny fists of intern fury." The Boss: "I have the approval to fill the Senior Engineer position but there's a ban on hiring new interns." "So, if I promote you, my empire... oops... I mean my department won't grow." Ask: "Gaaaa! My despair has turned into a searing psychological pain! Ow ow ow!" "That reminds me, I need you to train the new guy."