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Character
Monday May 28,
2012
Tags apathy, late, setting priorities, boss, meeting, excuse, conference table, coffee cup, apology, business
Transcript
Boss: Sorry I'm late. It's because the least important thing I do is way more important than all of you put together. One way to look at it is that I'm great at setting priorities.
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marketing, project, cloud, catbert, leadership, budget, birthday, engineer, time sheet, sales, wally, strategy, dogbert, powerpoint, project management, topper, leader, boss, change, meeting, data, management, mordac
Tuesday May 29,
2012
Tags goals, nailing them, unspoken objectives, goals never mentioned
Transcript
Boss: How are you doing in your unspoken objectives? Dilbert: My what? Boss: I'm referring to the goals I have in my mind that I've never mentioned. How are those going? Dilbert: I'm totally nailing them.
Wednesday May 30,
2012
Tags meetings, 8am, meeting, useful work, insulting, good time management, overlap, business
Transcript
Coworker: Can you come to my meeting at 8am tomorrow? Dilbert: No. I reserve the first few hours of every morning for useful work. Coworker: That feels like an insult. Dilbert: I call it good time management. There's a lot of overlap.
Thursday May 31,
2012
Tags shared leadership, model, piece of role, blame
Transcript
Boss: I'm moving to a shared leadership model. Each of you will take on one piece of the leadership role. Dilbert: What's my piece? Boss: Let's see. I have you down for something called... blame.
Friday June 01,
2012
Tags Astrology, furniture, magic, feng shui, black magic, voodoo, psychic, overbooked, office design, occult
Transcript
Dilbert: The feng shui consultant you asked for is overbooked. But I found a guy who is heavily into astrology, black magic, and voodoo. Boss: Are you trying to tell me something? Dilbert: Ask him. He's also a psychic.
Saturday June 02,
2012
Tags conversation, idea, shredding gloves, bad listener, dumb idea
Transcript
Alice: Hold that thought until I put on my idea-shredding gloves. Dilbert: My idea is that...we...um... You're a bad listener. Alice: Tell me more about your dumb idea.
Sunday June 03,
2012
Tags laziness, office workers, encouragement, career plans, misjudge, 5 year plan, legacy sytems, retirement, projects, protect heart, plenty of naps, quality of work, pension fund, new career plan
Transcript
Catbert: Wally, you can't float through life with no goals and no ambition. Wally: You misjudge me. I have my entire career planned out. My five-year plan is to avoid any sort of work in which my individual accomplishments can be measured. I'll hoard knowledge about one of our legacy systems so I seem indispensable. When I get to within four years of retirement, I'll only work on projects that have a five-year payback. I'll protect my cardiovascular system by getting plenty of naps and not caring about the quality of my work. Then I'll stick a straw in our pension fund and suck on it for the next forty years. Boss: Did you get him straightened out? Catbert: No, but I got a new career plan for myself.
Sunday June 10,
2012
Tags better job, goldilocks zone, managers, marinate in own stench, monster, skills expire, technology certifictae, training, your training
Transcript
Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.
Monday June 04,
2012
Tags monkeys, big picture, motivated, monkey, assignment, eating banana, imitating monkey, animals
Transcript
Dilbert: I would feel more motivated if I knew how my assignment fits into the big picture. Boss: You don't need to be motivated. A monkey could do your assignment while eating a banana. Like this. Ooh-ooh-ooh! Dilbert: I think we're moving in the wrong direction.
Tuesday June 05,
2012
Tags coffe lounge, more vocal, accomplishments, bragging, perfect substotute, wind, seat cushion
Transcript
Dilbert: I think I need to be more vocal about my accomplishments. Wally: I've found that bragging is a perfect substitute for accomplishing stuff. Dilbert: I plan to do both. Wally: Wow. You are the wind beneath my seat cushion.


