Managers Comic Strips - Page 54
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boss and dilbert communicating on video conference call. dilbert: let's schedule a follow-up call. do you prefer zoom, FaceTime, signal, WhatsApp, or voice call? boss: zoom dilbert: how about next tuesday at 10 a.m. my time, which is 1 p.m. your time? boss: i'll be on the road then, so you 10 a.m. will be my noon. but that's after the time change. boss: and i can't remember if i'm going to a place that change their clocks. dilbert: why don't we skip the whole thing because the call we are scheduling probably won't be any more useful than this one. boss: let us never speak of this again.
dilbert: and that's why i recommend creating a 5g format called orthogonal frequency division multiplexing. boss: that will never work. dilbert: it's already an industry standard. i was joking. boss: stop doing the to me. dilbert: i don't know if i can.
boss: we are rolling out our new 5G wireless service today. dilbert: we don't have any 5G technology. boss: it's really 4G, but no one wants that, so we call it 5G. dilbert: people will complain. boss: that's okay. we're also making it impossible to reach us by phone.
bos: which of your two projections do you think is more accurate? dilbert: they are both random guesses. i made two of them to create an illusion of a credible range. boss: so...would it be reasonable to pick the midpoint? dilbert: it's as reasonable as your other decisions.
in office building boss: okay, team. we can get this done if we trust each other. alice: that's not a thing. dilbert: i don't trust any of you. boss: maybe we can pretend. dilbert: i'd need to pretend we're different people.
boss: when i say we need to reimagine your job, it means we no longer need anyone to do what you have been doing. ted: do you mind if i ask when you first realized that my job was totally unnecessary? boss: it was four years ago, but you seemed happy, and we had the budget to pay you, so...
boss: today is your last day with the company, ted. so i need your company laptop back. ted: or else what? you'll fire me twice? boss: let's say you're not officially fired until you return the laptop. ted: and if i don't bring it back, will i never be fired? boss: um...
boss: alice, you did not meet your goals this quarter. alice: that's because my goals are totally unrealistic and were created by a.moron. i hope you meant it when you said you want us to be honest with you. boss: i didn't expect you to act on it!
boss: i object to your twitter profile. it says... "my tweets are smart and useful, so obviously they do not represent my employer." Wally chocking on coffee: smorph! dilbert pointing: now see what you did to wally.
boss: you are all required to complete a class in ethics. dilbert: wouldn't that make us the only ethical organization in our industry and create a competitive disadvantage that leads to our demise? boss: stop your worrying. the class is required, but i'm not expecting any of it to stick.