Robot: I wonder whose job I'll take first. Boss: You could never do my job. Robot: I'm doing it right now. Boss: You're not doing anything. Robot: Right. Let that sink in.
Boss: I'm getting a lot of complaints about you being late for meetings. Wally: They never talk about anything important in the first ten minutes. Boss: They're usually talking about you being late. Wally: Why would I need to be there for that?
Dogbert consults
Never insult your co-worers directly.
Instead, undermine their confidence by pretending to be helpful.
Wally: let me know if you need help fixing the grammar in your slide deck.
Alice: what?
Dogbert Consults
Never call your co-worker a colossal moron, That could get you fired.
Instead , say, "well, aren't you special"
Dilbert: Are we paying you for this advice?
Dogbert: well, aren't you special.
Wally: May I borrow your headphones while you're at lunch?
Dilbert: would they touch your ears?
WALLY: Yes.
Dilbert:I reject your request. I don't want cooties on my headphones.
Dilbert: Plus, you never return anything you borrow.
Wally: Why would you care if my ears touch something you will neve see again?
Lets meet halfway. I'll return the headphones, but they will smell of me forever.
Dilbert: Then you might as well just keep them!
It doesnt feel like he met me halfway.
You're an idiot if you think the software upgrade will solve every one of our problems.
Dilbert: Or are you an idiot for characterizing my reasonable idea as an absurd absolute?
Why cant you admit when you're wrong?
Dilbert: Same reason you've never eaten a unicorn.
Dilbert: The economics of the project have changed. We need to shut it down. Boss: If we stop now, the $10 million we already spent will be wasted. Dilbert: And if we stop later? Boss: The trick is to never finish the project.
The Storytelling Mothman. Mothman: I detect the energy of an employee with a high workload. I'm here to tell you a long story that you think will never end. Alice: That is the last thing I need right now. Mothman: Do you know the history of the paper clip?
Boss: You fool! That web page is not designed the way I would have done it! And I never would have explained it this way! Lastly, I want you to show more initiative. Dilbert: Are you still here?
Wally: My boss gave me approval to join your project team under the condition I don't take on any extra work. Woman: The whole point of being on the project is to do extra work. Maybe I should talk to your boss. Wally: His other condition is that you never contact him.
