Someone Else Mother Comic Strips - Page 56
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boss: why isn't your project done yet? dilbert: because every time i walk past your office you give me three new tasks and tell men they are my highest priority. boss: i was hoping you didn't know why. dilbert: hire someone dumber next time.
boss: i hired an elbonian spy who, i assume, will try to steal our intellectual property. it's hard to find good engineers in this economy, so that is a risk i am willing to take. dilbert, i'd like you to collaborate with him. dilbert: can we call it something else?
boss: i hired a sadist to design our user interfaces. i realize this isn't ideal, but no one else wanted the job. dilbert: why would our customers buy a product designed by a sadist? boss: it's called stockholm syndrome.
dilbert: i have brain fog from the meds i took last night. my i.q. is down by 50%, but i make up for it by being handsome. alice: sounds more like a 75% situation. dilbert: now, can someone remind me of my name?
boss: i can't give you a good performance review because you haven't performed up to expectations. wally: do you even know what my job is? boss: of course i do. you're an engineer. wally: yes, but do you know what projects i'm working on? boss: well, various things, and some miscellaneous things too. wally: how can you determine my job performance when you don't know what my job is? boss: have you heard of heuristics? you're bad at everything i've observed, so i assume you are bad at everything else as well. wally: you should have started with that.
boss: i just learned it's illegal to sell armed drones to private citizens. how many orders did we get since we started selling them this morning? dilbert: seventy million. boss: i'll look into bribing someone to change the law.
boss: the only way to succeed in this company is by working harder than everyone else. alice: wouldn't that mean only one person in the company can be successful? boss: i might need to rethink my motivational messages. dilbert: maybe save those for your dumber employees.
boss: i'd like to offer you a job, but ten years ago you said something offensive on social media. interviewee: i'm not the same person i was ten years ago. you are judging me by the actions of someone who literally no longer exists. boss: i get your point, but if i go back to the old way of judging people by their looks, we still end up in the same place.
dilbert thinking as walking into conference room: oh, no. i'm here too early. there will be chitchat. dilbert sitting empty conference room: someone is going to bore me to death talking about their diet preferences. ted: i only eat figs. dilbert thinking: kill me. kill me. kill me.
dilbert wearing face mask: we're running low on copier paper. carol wearing face mask: i know. i hoarded it all at my house when someone said we might have a shortage. dilbert: can you bring some of it back? carol: that would defeat the point of hoarding.