Sit At Computer Comic Strips - Page 58

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags mentor, automentor, job staidsfaction, massage, accomplishments, new job, resume stain, hopeless ness

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Dilbert tells Asok, "I won't always be around to be your mentor, Asok." Dilbert hands Asok a diskette and says, "So I've captured all of my career wisdom in this software, which I call the 'Automentor.'" Dilbert sits at his computer and asks, "Automentor, how can I achieve job satisfaction?" The computer replies, "Try giving yourself a massage in your cubicle." Asok asks, "Automentor, how can I make sure my accomplishments get noticed?" A picture of Dilbert is on the screen. The software replies, "That's not a problem at this company; nobody accomplishes anything." Asok asks, "Should I look for a new job?" The software replies, "Too late. They don't call this place the 'resume stain' for nothing." Asok stands behind Dilbert and asks, "How do you handle all the hopelessness?" Dilbert hums and replies, "I give it to the new guy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags sit do mothing, implement, bold quality initiative, talented, energetic coworkers

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Dilbert sits in his cubicle and thinks, "I could sit here doing nothing." Dilbert clenches his fists, looks determined and thinks, "Or I could implement a bold quality initiative with the help of my talented and energetic co-workers." Dilbert thinks, "I crack me up."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags gather requirements, designing child care, sewing garments, windowless room, illegal aliens, discounts

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Dogbert and Alice sit at a table. Dogbert says, "Alice, I need to gather some requirements before designing the company child care facility." Dogbert continues, "Do you mind if your children spend the day sewing garments in a windowless room full of illegal aliens?" Alice replies, "I mind." Dogbert responds, "I'll put you down as a maybe." Alice asks, "Would I get discounts on those garments?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags day care facility, free range day care, roam free, economical, powerpoint lsides

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The Boss and Dogbert sit at a table. Dogbert shows the Boss a document and says, "Here's my final plan for the company's day care facility." Dogbert continues, "I call it free range day care. The children are allowed to roam free among the cubicles. It's very economical." Two small children stand in Wally's cubicle. The boy says, "I don't believe he's really an evil troll." The girl says, "Look at the 'Powerpoint' slides he's making. It's not human."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags d chop, television, feel safer, screens, violent shows, news, Sports, dramas, sexual innuendo, comedy commercials, weather reports, tornado rips, Entertainment

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Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table. Dilbert holds a device and says, "I call my invention the D-Chip Television Filter." Dogbert says, "I feel safer already." Dilbert explains, "It screens out any show with violence." Dogbert replies, "There goes the news, sports and dramas." Dilbert says, "It also gets rid of shows that feature dishonesty or sexual innuendos." Dogbert says, "Goodbye comedy and commercials." Dilbert says, "Let's hook it up." Dilbert sits on the couch holding the remote control and Dogbert sits on the backrest. Dilbert looks at the television and says, "All we're getting is weather reports." The newscaster says, "A huge tornado ripped through a . . ." There is a beep and then only static. Dilbert says, "It works! The evil can't get to us now, Dogbert." Dogbert says, "Unhook that #!*% thing or I'll rip off your leg and beat you to death with it."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags pre meeting, preliminary pre meeting meeting, without planning, think funny, wally dilbert, the boss

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Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss says, "Let's have a little premeeting to prepare for the meeting tomorrow." Dilbert says, "Whoa! Do you think it's safe to jump right into the premeeting without planning it?" The Boss, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Okay, let's get this preliminary premeeting meeting going." Wally says to Dilbert, "You think you're funny, but you're not."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags supreme ruler, earth, go outside, runa round, mouth open, fresh air, exercise, hate flies, health

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Dilbert and Dogbert walk on the grass. Dogbert says, "Someday when I become the supreme ruler of earth . . ." Dilbert and Dogbert sit on a park bench. Dogbert continues, "I'll order everybody to go outside once a day and run around with their mouths open." Dilbert asks, "Because you support fresh air and exercise?" Dogbert replies, "Because I hate flies."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags action plan, solve problems, problems, demented, expense, demented plat, lift veil, ignorance

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Dilbert and Liz sit on a park bench. Liz says, "Um . . . When I've shared my feelings with you, I wasn't hoping you'd design an action plan to solve all of my problems." Dilbert asks, "Why else would you tell me all of your problems . . . Unless it's some demented plot to make yourself feel better at my expense?" Back at home, Dilbert tells Dogbert, "You were right. It was all a demented plot." Dogbert says, "I'm trying to gradually lift your veil of ignorance."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags recognition program, assign names, levels performance, highest level, precious gem, sparkle

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The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our new 'recognition program' assigns the names of precious gems to your levels of performance." The Boss continues, "The highest level is diamond. You get a new ring at each level." The Boss hands out ring boxes. Wally asks, "Are you sure talc is a precious gem?" Dilbert moves his hand and says, "I think I saw it sparkle."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags re; ese new prodcut, many defects, economic impact, projected icome, assumptions

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Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. Dilbert says, "It looks like we'll release our new product on time, despite its many defects." Dilbert continues, "We've minimized the economic impact of the defects via an advanced business process called 'hoping nobody notices.'" Dilbert continues, "And we've doubled our projected income by modifying our assumptions!" Wally adds, "A lot of this job is mental."