Carol: I'm selling chocolate bars to raise funds for my kid's school.
Dilbert: I'm childless, so I already subsidize your kid's education.
Carol: I was hoping it would feel too awkward for you to say no.
Dilbert: By my calculations, you owe me money.
Carol: I'm selling chocolate bars to raise money for my kid's school.
Boss: That sounds like communism. I'm out.
Carol: I'll give you a fake receipt so you can expense it.
Boss: Now it sounds like capitalism. I'm in.
Boss: I can't give you a raise because you didn't accomplish anything this year.
Dilbert: Are you insane? I completely redesigned our line of products!!!
Boss: That was mostly last year.
Dilbert: You didn't give me a raise last year because I wasn't finished until January of this year. Now you aren't giving me a raise this year because I did most of the work last year. Give me one reason I shouldn't quit right now!
Boss: Because every other company is just as bad. And you don't like change.
Dilbert: I said one reason!
Dilbert: Did you approve my budget request?
Boss: No, you used the old form.
Dilbert: Do we have new forms?
Boss: In hindsight, we should have funded the creation of new budget request forms before we made the old ones obsolete.
Boss: We're looking for a scientist who can be easily influenced by money to back our product claims.
Lawyer: I'm perfect for that job. I have no ethnical boundaries whatsoever.
Boss: But you won't try to con us, right?
Lawyer: You can't have it both ways.
dilbert: i invented a new type of nuclear power that has zero risk.
dilbert: it can be built in one day for less that a thousand dollars and it can power a small city.
the boss visually upset and yelling: get that thing out of here!
dilbert: i expect it will be hard to sell.
Asok: Thanks to my raise, I can afford to move out of my home in the men's restroom stall and into a pod.
Dilbert: A pod?
Asok: A pod!
Dilbert: Is it better than the stall?
Asok: It's smaller, but better appointed.
Carol: I hear you're our boss's new pet employee. Please don't tell him all of the bad things I have said about him behind his back. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you keep quiet.
Wally: I knew I could monetize this.
Wally: Now that I'm the boss's new pet employee, my income is higher than ever.
Dilbert: I didn't realize it came with a raise.
Wally: It's more of an indirect thing.
Man: I'll give you $100 to tell the boss good things about me.
Wally: My price for lying is $200.
Boss: It has come to my attention that our company pays men more than women. I have been asked to correct that situation.
Dilbert: You're going to cut the pay of the men, right?
Boss: No, no, no. I'm only going to ask you to identify as a woman.
