New Employee Comic Strips - Page 59
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1000 Results for New Employee
View 581 - 590 results for new employee comic strips. Discover the best "New Employee" comics from Dilbert.com.
Sunday November 26,
2000
Tags pet project, isn't feasible, working numebrs, underlying reality, massaged the numbers, working, numbers, impossiblepossible, new numbers, other ideas, fiddle with numbers
Transcript
Dilbert, putting a paper on The Boss' desk, says to The Boss, "My analysis shows that your pet project isn't feasible." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Try working the numbers." Dilbert says, "That wouldn't change the underlying reality." The Boss asks, "What if we massaged the numbers?" Dilbert says, "Massaging the numbers means the same thing as working the numbers." Dilbert says to The Boss, "You can't make the impossible possible by hallucinating new numbers." Dilbert asks The Boss, "Do you have any other ideas?" The Boss says to Dilbert, "That depends on the the phrase 'fiddle with the numbers' means."
Monday December 04,
2000
Tags away from job, blah blah, cell phones, jurors, jury duty, jury room, read book, talking
Transcript
Dilbert: AAHH, One week away from my job. Jury room Dilbert: I'll have hours of quiet time to read my new book, woman: There's a guy here with a book.
Saturday December 23,
2000
Tags exceeding expectations, padding objectives, whistle blower, award
Transcript
Wally says, "As you know, I'm the only employee who is not exceeding expectations." Wally says, "You should punish the others for unscrupulously padding their objectives! Those lying weasels!!" Wally asks The Boss, "Can I get a Whistle-Blower Award for this?"
Tuesday January 09,
2001
Tags motivation fairy, magic wand, enjoy working, utter futility, wally myth, spell, cast
Transcript
Wally is sitting at his computer. A small winged person, hovering in the air behind him, says, "Hello, employee. I'm the Motivation Fairy." Wally sits up and listens as the Fairy says, "My magic wand will make you enjoy working despite the utter futility." Wally turns to the Fairy and says, "Knock yourself out." The Fairy replies, "Wally?! Gaa! I thought you were a myth!"
Sunday January 14,
2001
Tags employee personality prefremces, styles of thinking, solve problems, moral and values, randy is idiot, illogical, menacing
Transcript
A female employee says, "I have the results of the Employee Personality Type Preferences." Dilbert, sitting at a table with Randy and Alice, says, "Remind me again why we're doing this." The female employee says, "Your teamwork will be better when you understand that you have different styles of thinking." Randy sits and listens as the female employee says to Dilbert, "For example, Dilbert prefers to use logic to solve problems." Dilbert looks at Randy as the female employee says, "But Randy relies more heavily on morals and values to solve problems." Randy's eyes grow wide as Dilbert says, "That sounds like a fancy way of saying Randy is an idiot." Dilbert and Alice look at Randy as Randy says, "Oh, yeah? Well, I might be an idiot but you're illogical." Dilbert and Alice pat Randy on the shoulders as Randy says, "That didn't sound as menacing as I had hoped." Dilbert says, "It's okay." Alice says, "We understand."
Monday January 15,
2001
Tags ad agency, creative team, peter peters, robert roberts, holly hollister
Transcript
Wally looks on as The Boss introduces some new people. The Boss says, "I'd like you to meet our ad agency's creative team." Presenting 2 men and a woman, each of whom has a goatee, The Boss says, "Pete Peters, Robert Roberts, and Holly Hollister." Pete Peters says, "Witty remark, anyone?" Dilbert looks on as Robert Roberts says nothing and Holly Hollister says, "I've got nothing."
Monday January 22,
2001
Tags mordac, monitor, pc arrived, weak memories, cheese with whine, memorizing calendar
Transcript
Asok the Intern says to Mordac, "Um... Mordac, my new PC arrived without a monitor." Mordac says to Asok, "Bah! Only interns with weak memories need monitors!" Asok says, "Please. I am having enough difficulty memorizing my calendar." Mordac asks, "Did you want any cheese with that whine?"
Monday January 29,
2001
Tags stock analyst, good things, company, weasels, business
Transcript
Dogbert: your stock will rise if a stock analyst says good things about your company. The Boss: how is that even possible? Dogbert: one word: weasels. weasels: I just found my new pick and shovel core holding.
Friday February 02,
2001
Tags 83% spat, customer satisfaction survey, the lucky ones, died of dehydration, results of survey
Transcript
A female employee says to The Boss and Wally, "The results of our customer satisfaction survey are in." The female employee says, "83% spat at their telephones until they died of dehydration." Asok the Intern, The Boss and Wally listen as the female employee continues, "We're calling that group 'The Lucky Ones'."
Sunday February 04,
2001
Tags advertise, dogberts, magazine, piece of junk, stand on head, subscribe, ten page ad, totally objective review, technology magazine
Transcript
Dogbert says to The Boss, "I'm a reporter for 'Dogbert's Technology Magazine'." Dogbert says to The Boss, "I'm writing a totally objective review of your newest product." Dogbert says to The Boss, "First question: Will you advertise in my magazine or is your new product a piece of junk?" The Boss says, "Um... We'll advertise." Dogbert continues, "Will it be a multi-page ad or is your new product a piece of junk?" The Boss says, "It'll be a ten-page ad!" Dogbert says to The Boss, "Can you stand on your head for an hour or is your new product a piece of junk?" As The Boss stands on his head, Dogbert says, "Would you like to subscribe to my magazine? It's ten pages of ads."


