Fake Own Death Comic Strips - Page 59

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677 Results for Fake Own Death

View 581 - 590 results for fake own death comic strips. Discover the best "Fake Own Death" comics from Dilbert.com.

Ceo Buys People On The Internet

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Ceo Buys People On The Internet - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #book, #internet, #friends, #struggle, #buying friends, #fake, #technology

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CEO: I'm writing a book about the struggles of my people. Dilbert: Your people? CEO: The ones I bought on the Internet. Dilbert: What? CEO: They don't look happy. That feels like a book.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employee, #Advice, #health, #wellness, #money, #cost, #work ethic, #fatigue, #Family, #marriage, #support, #insult, #relationships

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Dilbert: The long hours of work are taking a toll on my body. Can I take some time off for my health? Boss; That would defeat the whole point of being an employee. You are supposed to be trading your health and happiness for money. Then you give that money to your family and watch them spend it while you eat yourself to death. It's a circle of life sort of thing. Dilbert: I'm not married. Boss: Loser.

Ceo Wants To Fire Dilbert

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Ceo Wants To Fire Dilbert - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #firing, #fired, #termination, #identity, #fake identity, #alias, #nom de guerre, #deception

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Boss: Our CEO ordered me to fire you for embarrassing him at a meeting But that would be inconvenient for me. So... I'm going to call you Carlos from now on. And it would help if you grew a beard and walked with a limp.

Solving Problems In Interviews

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Solving Problems In Interviews - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #interview, #trick, #thinking, #problem

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Job Interview. Boss: Tell me your process for solving this sort of problem. Man: I would ignore it for a week and likely discover that it wasn't important in the first place. If it still matters after a week, I would hold fake job interviews and ask people how to solve it. Boss: Apparently, that doesn't work.

Ted Died Last Week

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Ted Died Last Week - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #listening, #listen, #listener, #silence, #death, #dead, #attention, #medical

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Dilbert: Ted died in his cubicle. Alice: When? Dilbert: About a week ago. They just found him. Alice: Remember when I said Ted is an unusually good listener? I have new data.

Dilbert And The Prison Gang

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Dilbert And The Prison Gang - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #prison, #lawyer, #attorney, #Advice, #plead, #trial, #crime, #murder, #technicality, #guilt, #legal

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Dogbert: Your brain stimulator invention turned you into a murderer. I will argue that you can't get a fail trial by jury of your peers because all of the people like you are already in jail for doing their own stupid stuff. And I signed you up for a prison gang. All you need to do is skin a snitch.

Robot Personality Defect

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Robot Personality Defect - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #defect, #defective, #Men, #personality, #patriarchy, #gender, #programming, #robot, #deception, #trick, #technology, #psychology

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Alice: We need to design a defect into our robots so we can control them if they try to take over. But it has to be the type of defect that they think is an advantage, so they don't know what we're up to. Alice: I gave you the personality of a guy. Robot: Yay for sports! I own this world, bro!

Ceo's Yacht

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Ceo's Yacht - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #hypocrisy, #money, #salary, #wages, #net worth, #rich people, #yacht, #obliviousness, #saving, #cost

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CEO: We must learn to do more with less. Alice: You own a yacht that has an 18-hole golf course, and a landing strip for your jet, and its own zip code. CEO: I got a good deal on that. Alice: That's what the idiot that buys it form you will say, too.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #pessimism, #people, #experience, #psychic, #esp, #sixth sense, #learning, #misanthrope

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Coworker: I'll give you the data tomorrow, Asok. Asok: Thanks, Brad! Urk! Suddenly, I know I will not get that data tomorrow. Dilbert: Why are you so freaked out? Asok: I... I... think I can see the future now. Somehow I know that Brad will not do what he says he will do. Dilbert: That's called "experience." It's the first step toward hating all people. Asok: How can I make it stop? Dilbert: I hear good things about death.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #computer, #robot, #replacement, #doctor, #medicine, #obsolete, #job, #diagnose, #necessity, #technology, #invention, #business, #medical

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Doctor: IBM's Watson supercomputer has diagnosed your symptoms. The computer just ordered the meds you need. They will be delivered in an hour by drone. Dilbert: Looks like your job as a doctor is becoming obsolete. Doctor: Ha ha! No. You still need a doctor and a nurse to make the system work. For example, the computer can't read its own screen and speak those words to patients. Dilbert: Actually, it can. Doctor: But the computer doesn't have a nurse. Dilbert: What does the nurse do? Nurse: I stab him if he tries to do more than read the screen.