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The Comparison Problem

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The Comparison Problem  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #entrepreneur, #comparison, #power, #money, #perspective, #happiness, #psychology

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CEO: How'd it go when you told your staff to act more like entrepreneurs? Boss: Not so good. They were happier when they were comparing their careers to other people in cubicles. Dilbert: What?! This idiot is worth a billion dollars now??? Asok: Gaaa!!! I'm a failure!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #time, #time management

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Dilbert: You asked for a breakdown of what I did this month. I wasted 25 percent of my time in useless meetings. I spent 33 percent of my time listening to co-workers complain about other co-workers. I used 11 percent to resend files I already sent. 14 percent went to dealing with a rumor you started by accident. 16 percent went toward working on the wrong things because you communicate poorly. Boss: What did you do with the 1 percent that was left? Dilbert: You just experienced it.

Wally Gets A Man Cave

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Wally Gets A Man Cave - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #nursing, #babies, #man cave, #deception, #children, #office policy, #Family

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Wally: We should have a private lactation room like other companies. Alice: Yes, we should. Boss: No one in my group is nursing a baby. Wally: What about visitors? Alice: Right. Wally: Thanks for helping me get my man cave at the office. Alice: What?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #workload, #work ethic, #laziness, #teamwork, #team, #philosophy, #business

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Dilbert: I don't know how you are stress-free when we have so much work to do. Wally: It's all about understanding percentages. No matter how hard you work, you will never finish even two percent of what needs to be done. The financial rewards of doing two percent of your work are identical to doing none. It's also a good idea to volunteer for several projects so everyone thinks you're working on the other ones. Your problem is that you're doing actual work for no good reason. Dilbert: My problem is that I'm doing your work plus my work! Wally: It's only two percent more work, you whiner.

Ask The Other Director

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Ask The Other Director - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #reorganization, #logic, #managers, #solutions, #cheating

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Dilbert: I tried to get approval from the head of Marketing, but the reorg makes it impossible. The outgoing director says I need to ask the incoming directory, but that person hasn't been named. Boss: Bring me solutions, not problems. Dilbert: Forgery it is.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #mentor, #mentorship, #competition, #honesty, #truth

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Dilbert: I need some mentoring. Boss: This is awkward. On one hand, helping you would make me appear wise and generous. On the other hand, it would make you a more credible threat to take my job. I see you as more of an adversary than a subordinate. That's why I withhold vital information that you need to do your job. I've already said too much. Wally: Did you learn anything? Dilbert: Yes, unfortunately.

Nothing Else To Talk About

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Nothing Else To Talk About - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #personality, #boring, #bored, #conversation, #small talk, #psychology

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Man: Do you want to know how we would have handled this situation at my old job? Dilbert: No. Dilbert: Nothing would interest me less. Man: My only other topics of conversation are my health problems and TV shows you haven't seen. Dilbert: I stand corrected.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cell phone, #conversation, #meeting, #business, #technology

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Why isn't anyone else here yet? Did you tell them you changed the meeting time? I asked you to tell everyone. That isn't my job. Then why didn't you tell me you weren't going to do it?!! It isn't my job to tell you what isn't my job. Now this meeting is a waste of my time. Does your job description tell you to attend meetings that are worthless? I didn't know there were other kinds.

You Will Get Used To It

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You Will Get Used To It - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #coworkers, #Politics, #disagreement, #Opinion, #flaw, #personality, #psychology

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Boss: I can't assign you to a project team because everyone hates you for your political opinions. Wally: And they don't hate me for being useless in general? Boss: I guess we all got used to that. Wally: You'll get used to the other thing, too. Give it some time.

Dilbert Loses His Budget

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Dilbert Loses His Budget - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #vacation, #decision, #funding, #money

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Boss: You were on vacation last week so I made decisions about your project without you. Dilbert: Oh no... what have you done? Boss: I transferred your budget to another project. Dilbert: I need that money! Boss: Oh. Can you wait until the other project manager goes on vacation?