Search Results for "federal crime"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 14, 2004's comic on:


Tags #stock guy, #conflicts of interest, #knocked out, #fist down throat, #violence, #crime

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Alice: I didn't like the way he was looking at me. The Boss: "This isn't good." "He was the only stock analyst who had a "buy" recommendation on our company." Alice: "I think we're a "hold" now." The Boss: "Where will we find another one with so much conflict of interest??!"

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"And that's how I made a billion dollars in shady real estate deals." "The moral of the story is that crime doesn't pay..." "Directly; it goes through escrow." "Dogbert, don't ruin the rat."

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We need to add a $3 component to our product to comply with federal law. "The product review committee will need a cost-benefit study before we decide." "And you know it's accurate because I used math!" Duh 100

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Share August 30, 2006's comic on:


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"I'm a technology left-behind." "I don't know how to use a computer, cell phone, PDA, digital camera, iPod or TiVo." "I'd recommend a life of crime but you aren't qualified."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 03, 2010's comic on:


Tags #tech support, #sit down, #talk, #stool, #computer, #headset, #technical problems, #trick, #hurt, #pessimism, #angry, #technology

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Dilbert says, "It's not right to use your tech support job to trick people into hurting themselves." Dogbert says, "I help people take their minds off of hopeless technical problems." Dilbert says, "How do you know a problem is hopeless?" Dogbert says, "Great. So now pessimism is a crime?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 30, 2010's comic on:


Tags #employee, #human resources, #Promotion, #raise, #facebook; social networks, #excited, #business

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Catbert says, "For the past six months you've done nothing but update your Facebook page." Catbert says, "Now we have an opening for a marketing manager for social networks and you're totally qualified. It's a huge raise and promotion." Man says, "Crime pays! I knew it!!!" Catbert says, "We're hoping you can lie as well as you steal."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 18, 2009's comic on:


Tags #ceo, #conference, #meeting, #greed, #corruption, #illegal, #business

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CEO summit Dogbert says, "Obviously it's illegal for companies to rig bids." Dogbert says, "But interestingly, the crime is nearly impossible to prove when nothing is written down." Dogbert says, "I'd like you to meet Eddie. Pay close attention to how many times he stomps his hoof."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share December 04, 2005's comic on:


Tags #career criminal, #appkying, #job, #tendonitis, #pistol whipping arm, #slower paced, #lifel, #embezzle, #job security, #business

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Your resume says you're a career criminal. "Yup." "Um...why are you applying for a job here?" "I'm getting tendonitis in my pistol-whipping arm." "I thought I'd try the slower paced life of white collar crime." "Security." "How much can I expect to embezzle in my first year?" "Earl?" "Lefty!" "Forget this job. Security is where the big money is." "Can you get me in?" "I should start locking my desk."

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Share May 20, 2014's comic on:


Tags #crime victims, #embarrassment, #lost money, #phishing scam, #questioning support, #stifle laugh

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Boss; I lost all of my money to a phishing scam. Catbert: Must... stifle... laugh. Mmmph! Pressure is building. Must contain... \\ Boss: Are you being supportive? I can't tell. Catbert: Mmmph!

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Share October 31, 2014's comic on:


Tags #annoy, #annoyance, #corpse, #escalade, #experience, #inexperience, #murder, #premeditated murder, #prototype, #scientific, #strangle, #boss

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Inexperienced Guy. Coworker: Can you answer some questions about our product prototype? Alice: No, but I would be happy to strangle you with your own lanyard and put your corpse in my boss' Escalade to frame him for the crime. Coworker: That scenario is alarmingly specific. Alice: For this sort of thing, premeditated is the way to go.