"If you recommend my company's product to your board, there might be a little something for you later."
"Before you decide, look at this DVD titled, 'Is bribery right for you?'"
"The narrator might refer to you by name when she dances."
Dilbert: The Elbonians won't do business with my company unless we bribe them.
Dogbert: offer to give them plans for building a nuclear weapon, Then give them plans to build microwave ovens instead.
Dilbert: would that work?
Dogbert: why do you think our garage is full of persona rugs?
"I have a job offer from another company, but I'll give you a chance to buy my loyalty." "Now I just sit back and let the loving begin." "And his opening offer is..." "That's right: Whack him in the parking lot."
The Marketing Guru "Consumers will buy our tractor-sized mp3 players if we offer something free with each one." "So we'll offer a free iPod with each sale, and free towing to the landfill for our mp3 player." "The rest is just pricing."
"This is the posterior of a healthy, unemployed woman." "Prolonged exposure to employment will create more of a box shape." "I'd offer you a lollipop, but it would only make things worse."
Customer: I'd like to do business with your company, but I'm concerned that the only beverage you can afford to offer me is water from the restroom sink... and I need to bring my own cup. Dilbert: I also offered to fill the sink and let you lap it out. Customer: And now I'm thirsty!
Boss: We don't have any openings for regular interns, but I can offer you a job as an intern to our intern. We won't pay you, of course, but you might acquire an imperceptible amount of semi-relevant job experience. And sometimes we'll slap you for no reason. Applicant: Stupid economy! I'll take it.
Interviewee: Google offered me a million dollars a year. What's your offer? Boss: Work for us and you can change the world! Interviewee: Change it how? Boss: By lowering the average pay of engineers. Hiring engineers
Boss: The company will no longer offer free beer on Fridays. It started as a team-building experience, but it degenerated into forklift jousting in the warehouse. Wally: I'm going all "Boardwalk Empire" on you now, Volstead! Boss: I hope that means something good.
Ratbert the software consultant
RatBert: Don't let your lack of knowledge interfere with my brilliance. Don't touch the keyboard, don't offer opinions and don't breathe so loudly that I can hear it.
Ratbert: There. I've either configured your software or erased something called a bios.
