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Dilbert stands at a table reviewing a sheet of paper with a contractor. The contractor says, "Here's my estimate. I'll start the job on Monday." The contractor continues, "When I say 'Monday,' I'm referring to the service industry's space-time continuum." The contractor holds out a calendar and says, "I'm not supposed to show you this, but check out the calendar." Dilbert looks and says, "No Mondays."
Dogbert stands on a stool watching as Dilbert fixes what looks like a time machine. Dilbert says, "My invention will let me search the service industry's space-time continuum." Dilbert is seen in the machine travelling through a galaxy with several floating workmen. Dilbert says, "Plumber, roofer, carpenter, electrician." Dilbert stops and looks at one worker and says, "Weren't you supposed to fix my furnace in 1991?" The worker replies, "You're my next house."
Dilbert and Dogbert are sitting by the bank of a river. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "My life has no purpose." Dogbert responds, "Scratch my back." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Are you saying the purpose of life is service to others?" Dogbert says "Okay." Dilberts says to Dogbert, "It does make me feel useful." Dogbert responds "I think we both found something that works."
Ron is sitting at his desk, using speakerphone to listen to his messages. The voice mail service is heard aloud, "Press one to hear." Alice approaches from behind and asks, "Why are you using your speakerphone for voice-mail?" She continues, annoyed, "I mean, seriously, what is going through that socially defective brain of yours?" Ron responds, "Would you like to have dinner?" To which Alice's answer is, "Yeah, why not."
Headline: Customer Service. Dogbert is sitting at his desk, talking into a telephone headset. He says, "Find the serial number by pulverizing the case with a hammer." The man on the other end of the line is holding a hammer above a radio. He asks, "Are you sure this won't void my warranty?" Dogbert replies, "It's not always about you."
Dilbert is sitting at his computer at home. He says into the telephone, "Look, I have three computers in the house. All three simultaneously lost e-mail but not web function." He continues, shaking his fist in the air, "That means the problem is in your e- mail service. Can you grasp that concept?" Dilbert is laying on the couch with a cup of coffee. He says into the phone, "Okay. I'm re-entering my account information... Hey, guess what? That didn't work either."
Alice is sitting at her computer. The Boss approaches from behind with a package in his hand and says, "Happy service anniversary, Alice." The Boss continues, "We're out of twenty-year pins so I got twenty of the one- year pins." The Boss hands Alice the package and says, "You can pin these babies all over your blouse... or fishing hat if you prefer." The Boss continues, "The card says, 'To Kathy' but it was never opened. For some reason she quit the day she got her twenty pins." The Boss continues, "Incidentally, I have to charge you $262 for the pins. The company doesn't pay for them." Alice holds the box angrily. Alice responds, "First of all, I've only worked here for about six years.." The Boss interrupts, "Wow, you look older. Anyway, just give me the $262 and throw away eight pins and we'll call it good." Alice rolls up her sleeve and shakes with anger. She holds one arm back with the other. The Boss asks, "Why are you rolling up your sleeve? Are you going to pin them to your arm?
Headline: Congressional Hearings. A grim panel sits in front of microphones. One man says, "Your airline is accused of providing inhumane service. How do you respond?" Dogbert replies, "Sometimes I wag and sometimes I hold up my paw and say, 'Bah!'" Ratbert adds, "Bah!" Dogbert turns to the rat and says, "You're not allowed to say Bah. Take it back." Ratbert says quietly, "Hab."
Dilbert is meeting with a business associate. The business associate says, "We're the least expensive vendor unless your requirements change mid- project." Dilbert responds, "So... I'll get fired if I don't select the lowest bid, or I'll be fired later when the bills for change orders pour in." Dilbert says, "I prefer to be fired mid-project." The business associate replies, "We offer outplacement service with every sale."
Carol says into the telephone, "And I'd like the copier repair guy to be a tall non- smoker with well-defined abs." Carol continues, "Oh. You're not a dating service, eh? Well if I give you money and you send some guy then it's just semantics." Carol continues, "And could you shave his back and oil him up before you send him?"