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Dogbert sits at his desk reading the newspaper. Dogbert says, "What?? The presidents of other companies make way more money than I do!!" Dogbert continues, "I'd better make some short-sighted cuts. That should raise our stock price and make my stock options worth millions." The Boss says to Dilbert, Wally and Alice, ". . . All business trips are one-way from now on . . . And you're all required to take a trip this afternoon."
Dogbert sits at his desk. Dogbert says, "I saved the company a fortune by sending the headquarters staff on one-way business trips." Dogbert continues as he types, "They haven't wasted money on any stupid projects all day . . . Now I can leak my strategy to the media and exercise my stock options at the uptick." The caption says, "Somewhere in Iowa." Dilbert stands in front of a farm and a dog growls at him. Dilbert says to a woman who is pointing a rifle at him, "Uh . . . I'm here for a meeting." The woman asks, "Did anybody see you?"
Dilbert hands the Boss a document and says, "Here's my time report, in fifteen minute increments." Dilbert says, "And here's my monthly project status, my budget forecast, my key accomplishments, my jeopardy list . . ." The Boss thinks as Dilbert walks away, "Never has so little been measured so much."
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Ted sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I need to identify any unnecessary and unproductive employees so I can cut costs." The Boss asks, "Does anybody have spare time to join my task force on productivity?" Ted raises his hand and the Boss says, "Good, good . . . Anybody else?"
The Boos, Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called karoshi." The Boss continues, "I don't want that to happen to anybody in my department." The Boss continues, "The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon."
Dilbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss asks, "So, what have you accomplished this year?" Dilbert thinks, "I hate performance reviews." Dilbert replies, "Well, I used my empowerment to create a new paradigm." Dilbert continues, "And I teamed across functional boundaries to improve quality." Dilbert continues, "I dare say I was customer-focused and market-driven!" Dilbert holds his arms out and says, "I proactively found excellence in the midst of chaos!" Dilbert continues, "I re-engineered my core processes and embraced change!" Dilbert stands up and bows. He says, "I give you - Dilbert - the perfect employee!" The Boss asks, "Was that sarcasm?" Dilbert replies, "To be honest, I don't know either."
Dilbert, Matt and Wally sit at a conference table. Dilbert tells Matt, "This is called a 'meeting.'" Dilbert explains, "The objective is twofold: talk as much as possible and leave with no new assignments." Dilbert and Matt leave the meeting. Matt carries a stack of folders. Dilbert pats him on the back and says, "That's okay . . . I thought your talking went very well."
Dogbert stands on a chair across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Congratulations, Mister Dogbert. You submitted the lowest bid for creating our corporate fitness program." The Boss continues, "The other bidders wanted money. You're the only one who offered to do it just for the laughs." The Boss continues, "Although I don't see what's so funny about it." Dogbert replies, "Engineers . . . Aerobics . . . Think about it."
Wally and Dilbert stand at the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I want you to manage Wally's project while he's on vacation in Aruba." The Boss thinks, "Let the shirk-fest games begin." Dilbert asks, "Isn't that the week when everything is due?" Wally says, "Coincidence." Dilbert says to Wally, "Maybe you could change your plans." Wally holds up his airline tickets and says, "Non-refundable tickets right here!" Dilbert says, "The project can't be important if you won't change your plans." Wally thinks, "He's GOOD." Dilbert tells the Boss, "I'll be happy to add Wally's project to the bottom of my pile and let it fail with Wally's name on it." Dilbert tells Wally, "When you're in Aruba, study the waiters carefully - it's probably your new career." The Boss thinks, "Two free tickets to Aruba - I win."
Dilbert sits at a conference table with Stan and a customer. Stan says, "And our product has a thirty terabit RAM cache, just like your company needs. Tell him, Dilbert." Dilbert says, "It has no RAM." Stan continues, "And it's capable of detecting tachion field emissions." Dilbert says, "You're confusing use with 'Star Trek' again, Stan." Stan continues, "We'll build that stuff into the next free upgrade." The customer replies, "We'll take it!" Dilbert thinks, "Beam me up, Spock. There's no life on this planet."