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View 51 - 60 results for expect comic strips. Discover the best "Expect" comics from Dilbert.com.
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources. Catbert: "Don't rate any employees "excellent" because then they'd deserve raises." "Don't give any bad ratings either because it would reflect poorly on your ability to hire and motivate people." The boss: "How will I make the useless people feel bad if I'm rating them "good"?" Catbert: "Try using this scowl."
"My job could not be more meaningless." "I'm looking at my new Director of Post-Decision Support!" "After I make a decision, your job is to figure out why it was the right one." "Save those tears of joy for later. We've got work to do!" "SOB!" "I decided to outsource our nuclear contracts to North Elbonia." "And in return, they'll give us food, if they ever figure out how to grow any." "I expect some fallout from this decision." "Me too." "On the plus side, it won't be long before there's a government reward for killing him."
Your resume says you're a career criminal. "Yup." "Um...why are you applying for a job here?" "I'm getting tendonitis in my pistol-whipping arm." "I thought I'd try the slower paced life of white collar crime." "Security." "How much can I expect to embezzle in my first year?" "Earl?" "Lefty!" "Forget this job. Security is where the big money is." "Can you get me in?" "I should start locking my desk."
"Tina, you were only supposed to document our product status, not rewrite the entire scope." "Our CEO loves the new project scope. We'll expect you to do that without extra resources." "Is this a 'neener-neener' situation or more of a 'Who's your daddy?'?"
The Boss: I should warn you that I'm on a diet and might not have the sharp focus that you've come to expect from me. Asok: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" "I thought of something funny totally on my own."
Tina: I hope you don't expect me to write a favorable article about your company just because you bought me drinks. Dogbert: No, I expect you to publish my press release and act like you wrote it. Tina: You can work or you can get drunk , but the pay is exactly the same.
Tags ceo's meeting, boos, Dilbert, status on technology, platform migration, nothing to hide, 100 drunken clowns, beed in their underpants, decline in morale, pretending tow ork, get fired, hide things
CEO Meeting The Boss: "I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions." CEO: "What's the status on the technology platform migration project?" The Boss: "Be completely honest. We have nothing to hide." Dilbert: "Well, okay." "The project is like a hundred drunken clowns with bees in their underpants." "I expect the decline in morale to lead to violence." "Most of us are only pretending to work while secretly hoping the project gets canceled after you get fired by the board." "It turns out that we did have a few things to hide."
The Boss: "Carol, set up a dinner for all key employees." Carol: "Which ones are key?" "That would be everyone except um...you." "I curse your dinner!" "I'll bring you some mints...if they have extras."
Dilbert: When do you expect to come out with a new model? Vendor: In about two months. Dilbert: I'll wait and buy the new model. Vendor: Did I say two months? I meant never. Dilbert: Never? That must mean your company is going out of business and won't support this product. Vendor: What's a length of time between two months and never that would cause you to buy now?" Dilbert: One year. Vendor: Our new model comes out in a year. Dilbert: I'll wait until then. Vendor: You're the worst customer ever."
Asok: I found a clever way to write my application code in one hour! "Normally this sort of thing would take weeks." "I assume my high level of efficiency will be recognized and rewarded." Alice: "Let me know how that works out for you." The Boss: "You did all of that in one hour?" Asok: "Yes. I did." The Boss: "From now on. I expect you to finish all of your projects in one hours." "Otherwise I'll assume you're ripping off the company." Asok: "You could have warned me." Alice: "That's not how experience works."