Form Teams Comic Strips - Page 6
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Dilbert stands with his arms crossed by Catbert's desk. Catbert holds a piece of paper. Catbert says, "Don't complain to me. You signed the form giving us permission to alter your DNA" Dilbert throws his hands up in frustration. Dilbert says, "No one reads legal documents before signing them. It makes you look stupid." Catbert looks at Dilbert's horn. Catbert says, "You have a point." Dilbert says, "That is SO not funny."
The Boss points at a board with the word 'Injuries' written on it, and the number zero below the word. The Boss says, "Our goal this year is zero disabling injuries." The Boss continues, "Last year, our goal was twenty-six disabling injuries." The Boss points at the board with a skeleton and the number twenty-six above it. The Boss says, "In retrospect, that was a mistake." The Boss continues, "We had to injure nine employees to meet the goal." The Boss hands out a piece of paper and says, "If you have an injury, fill out this form immediately." Wally and Dilbert look at the forms. Wally says, "These are resignation forms." The Boss holds up the paper and says, "If you cover the word 'resignation' with your thumb, it's an injury report." Wally turns to Dilbert and says, "This place makes me sick." Dilbert says, "We'll miss you."
Dilbert walks by the security desk with a computer part under his arm. The guard says, "Stop." The guard says, "Show me your "equipment removal authorization form." Dilbert shows him a piece of paper. The guard says, "This requires the signature of TWO employees." Dilbert hands the guard a pen and says, "Good catch. You'd better sign it so it's legal." The guard says, "This seems wrong... but I don't know why why." Dilbert says, "And I'll need to see your birth certificate" The guard says, "I don't have one." Dilbert says, "Then how do you know you were born?" The guard thinks, "I have baby pictures, but they could have been doctored by my alleged mom."
Dilbert slips a tape into a VCR as the boss watches. Dilbert says, "I used a hidden camera to capture the thief who's been raiding our cubicles." The picture on the TV screen is the boss. The boss says, "The picture is grainy but I can almost make out a human form... or maybe a cat."
The boss seats at his computer and says, "Carol, come here! All of my words have squiggles under them!" CArol looks at his computer screen and says, "The software is telling you that every sentence you wrote has bad grammar." Carol says, "Press F1 for help and... it's a third grade enrollment form."
The boss is following Dilbert to a desk. The boss says, "Here are the strategies from our seven silo teams." They sit down and the boss says, "Your job is to merge them into a coherent company plan." Dilbert says, "These are all mutually exclusive." Dilbert continues... "I'd have to totally change them to make them coherent." Dilbert goes on... "In effect, I would be deciding the strategy for the entire company." The boss says, "That's okay." Dilbert replies, "It is?" The boss walks off thinking, "No one ever reads it anyway." Dilbert, at his computer thinks, "I feel sorry for those losers on the silo teams."
Wally, the boss, Asok, Alice and Dilbert are in a meeting. The boss says: "From now on, all teams will be formed on the basis of Myers-Briggs personality types." The boss says: "If you do not have a personality, one will be assigned to you by human resources." Catbert is standing on the table reading the sheet of paper he is holding, he says to Wally: "We need a quiet dumb guy to pair with an extroverted thinker."
Catbert, the Evil H.R. director says to Wally, "Wally, our auditors found 40 gigabits of bikini pictures on your PC." Wally is thinking the same thing. Catbert says to Wally, "That is grounds for dismissal. How do you plead?" Wally thinks to himself, "Innocent. Technically, they didn't find any pictures." Wally says to Catbert, "What they found were zeroes and ones resting harmlessly on magnetic media." Wally continues, "It was the auditors themselves who activated thoe harmless bits to form pictures on the screen." Wally says to Catbert, "I demand that those godless auditors be fired!" Wally also says, "And if it's not too much trouble, I'd like my zeroes and ones back." After Wally's meeting with Catbert, Dilberts asks Wally "Was justice served?" Wally responds, "It's a gray area."
During an interview, the Boss says to the cell "Your resume says you're a multi-celled life form." The Boss continues, "That's exactly what we're looking for!" The Boss begins shaking the cell. "I'm trying to shake hands. If you feel harassed in any way just let out a yelp."
The boss, Wally, Alice and Dilbert are at a conference table. The boss says, "Wally, what's the status of our vital records protection plan?"` Wally thinks, "Think fast." Wally says, "I..uh...did extensive interviews with key stakeholders." Wally continues, "Then I..uh...formed a plan.." Wally says, "Now all the records are digitized and stored with 512 bit encryption..." Wally continues, "..At the center of the earth..on natural magnets." The boss says, "I meant you should read the project team's status report." Wally, reading, says, "They claim to have a plan. Liars."