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Dilbert and Wally walk toward each other in the hallway. Dilbert thinks, "Collision course . . ." Dilbert thinks, "I hate this . . . We'll both veer in the same direction, then the other. He'll say something studpid, like 'Shall we dance?'" Dilbert ducks and Wally trips over him. Dilbert thinks, "This method isn't much better."
A boy walks up behind Dogbert and yells, "Yo! Mutt!!" The boy holds out a piece of paper and continues, "I need an excuse for not doing my homework. Chew on this assignment sheet and I'll say 'A dog ate it.'" The boy sits in a classroom desk and says, "A dog made me eat it." The boy's clothes are ripped and his face is dirty.
Dilbert stands by himself with a cocktail glass in his hand. He thinks, "I feel so awkward at these office parties . . ." Dilbert thinks, "I've already walked back and forth to the hors d'oeuvres six times." Dilbert thinks, "I'll stand close to these two and hope they include me." The man and woman turn their backs to Dilbert. He thinks, "It's not working." Dilbert thinks, "I'll have to find somebody who is alone." Dilbert thinks, "Hmm . . . All the people standing alone look like losers." Dilbert thinks, "I'll just say something . . . What have I got to lose?" He says to the Boss, "Hi." Dilbert says, "I'm Dilbert. Waht do you do for a living?" The Boss replies, "I'm your boss, idiot."
The strip is titled, "The secrets of men. A guide for women." The caption says, "Women wonder why men say dumb things to start conversations." Dilbert asks a woman, "Are you a model?" The caption says, "Why can't men take a hint?" The woman replies, "No, but my boyfriend is a killer." The caption says, "Why are men so thick?" Dilbert asks, "Are you free Saturday?" The caption says, "Why are excuses useless?" The woman replies, "I have to wash my goldfish." Dilbert asks, "How about Sunday?" The caption says, "Why don't men understand the word no?" The woman says, "No no no no no no . . ." Dilbert asks, "What are you trying to say?" The caption says, "Men know why they act like that:" Dilbert and the woman look at each other. The caption says, ". . . Sometimes it works." Dilbert and the woman walk into the sunset holding hands.
Ratbert and Dogbert sit on a hassock. Ratbert says, "All this week I've been testing Madonna's 'Compulsion' perfume at the lab." Dogbert asks, "Any side effects?" Ratbert replies, "Heck no . . . Unless you consider marrying a bunsen burner a 'side effect.'" Ratbert asks, "Say . . . Who's that cute little filly on the table?!" Dogbert responds, "We call her the lamp."
Ratbert says, "I must get back to the lab now. But please, no long goodbyes, or parting gifts, or fanfare." Ratbert continues, "Nay, let us simply drink in the richness of this beautiful yet sorrowful moment. Two friends who . . ." Dogbert interrupts, "'Bye." Ratbert says, "That's what I meant to say: 'bye."
Dilbert stands in front of a room of people. He says, "Welcome to Dogbert's 'School of Hard Knocks.'" Dogbert says, "This is the school you've heard so much about." Dogbert continues, "Chances are, one of your parents is a graduate of this school." Dogbert continues, "At Dogbert's School of Hard Knocks, you will gain the wisdom that can only be obtained through suffering." Dogbert opens a box and continues, "Throughout the course, I'll be whacking you with various blunt objects." Dogbert continues, "It may be unpleasant at first, but you'll get used to it." Dogbert continues, "Eventually, your brain will rationalize the whole experience. You'll think I'm a dedicated teacher, and you'll actually believe you learned something." Dogbert shakes a stick and says, "Stick with the basics, I say."
Dilbert asks Wally, "Don't you think the company's drug testing policy is a violation of our privacy?" Wally replies, "I don't do drugs." The Boss reads a report and says, "Johnson, your blood test results are in. Looks like you live on Cheetos and Diet Pepsi . . . Your wife doesn't love you . . . And whoa . . What's this?" The Boss continues, "Apparently, you like to dress in grass skirts and make fun of the lawnmower."
Dogbert and Dilbert walk through the park. Dilbert asks, "Do you think people are basically good or evil?" Dogbert replies, "Well, I know dogs are basically good." Dogbert continues, "And dogs are better than people." Dogbert continues, "But people are better than cats." They sit down under a tree. Dogbert continues, "And cats are evil . . ." Dogbert continues, "Therefore, all people are stupid." Dilbert says, "I don't follow that logic." Dogbert says, "Yes, my theory predicts you would say that."
Dogbert sits on his pillow. Ratbert says to Dogbert, "I'm going to disguise myself as a Chihuahua for a week." Ratbert continues, "Then I'll make a movie about prejudice against Chihuahuas!!" Ratbert continues, "When I win an Oscar, I'll turn it down and say 'This is for my brothers, the proud Chihuahuas.'" Dogbert says, "Go away."