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The boss says, "Our company had replaced styrofoam cups with paper cups to save the planet." The boss says, "They work just as well if you use a dead squirrel as an oven mitten." The boss says, "This one still has some fight left in him."
Dilbert says, "We replaced our styrofoam cups with paper cups, but it's not so clear that it helps the planet." The boss says, "We didn?t do it to help the planet. We did it to look like the sort of company that cares about that sort of thing." DIlbert says, "Oh. In that case it's working great." The boss says, "As soon as you stop whining."
Man says, "I need you to take these pills because the pharmaceutical rep is smoking hot." Man says, "It might have some side effects, but the 'Guy code' says you have to be my wingman if I ask." Dilbert says, "Apparently he subscribes to a literal interpretation of the guy code."
The Boss says, "Dilbert, what did you accomplish this week?" Dilbert says, "I doubled my sales and made the cover of Time magazine." The Boss says, "What?" Dilbert says, "Oh. Whoops. Sorry." Dilbert says, "For a moment there I confused my entrepreneurial fantasty life with my real job." Dilbert says, "I run a parallel career in my mind. In that world, I'm the founder of a hot start-up."B<R>Dilbert says, "It keeps my brain from fully realizing the horror of my actual career and trying to kill the rest of my body." Dilbert says, "But to answer you original question, this week I made some powerpoint slides that have no particular use." Dilbert says, "GAAA!!! My brain is trying to kill the rest of my body!" The Boss says, "Moving on..."
Asok in the art department Woman says, "Is that a botched nose job, which would be tragic?" Woman says, "Or a bold artistic statement, which would be totally hot?" Asok says, "It started out as a mistake, but I'm keeping it for the improved airflow. How hot is that?"
The Boss says, "I hired a confusopoly consultant to help us design an extended warranty plan." Dogbert says, "Our goal is to scare people into buying insurance that doesn't cover anything." Dogbert says, "I can't tell you where the contract was designed, but be careful because it's still hot."
Wally: Now that I'm a top one-percenter, I wonder what kind of women I'll attract. Do you have any sisters back home? I'm asking because you'd be totally hot if you were a woman. So I'm thinking hoo-ah! Asok: I cannot count the number of ways this is wrong.
Dilbert: I need to get this technology certification. Boss: Whoa! No way. If I pay for your training, you'll use your certification to get a better job. At the moment, you're in what we managers call the goldilocks zone. You're not hot enough to get a better job, and you're not yet incompetent at the one you have. When your skills expire, in the next year or two, I'll replace you with someone younger. Dilbert: You're a monster! I'll pay for my own training and leave you to marinate in your own stench! CEO: How did you keep your training expenses so low? Boss: I marinated in my own stench.
Boss: Wally, I can't give you a raise because you accomplished nothing this year. Wally: That's okay because I make a fortune investing in penny stocks. Do you want some hot stock tips? Dilbert: Did you get a raise. Wally: No, but I narrowed the gap between his income and mine.
Boss: We're replacing our outdated system of annual performance reviews. The new system is called Gramification. It's a hot new trend. Employees can win badges, ribbons, and awards for completing tasks. Dilbert: Can we opt for the cash value of those badges, ribbons, and awards? Boss: They don't have any cash value. Dilbert: Oh. Like garbage? Boss: No, not like garbage! Except in the narrow sense of having no functional, economic, or emotional value. Garbage is something you throw away. Dilbert: Hand me an award and watch carefully.