Close The Gap Comic Strips - Page 6
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The Boss is with another man and introduces him to Dilbert. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department." Dilbert asks Matt, "There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing?" Matt replies, "One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error." Matt continues, "So I embarked on a three-year mission to make the bank admit its mistake!" Matt continues, "I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating or bathing." Matt continues, "Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case." Matt exclaims, "The bank claimed that seven minus four is three. And I'm like, 'Since when?'" After the interview, The Boss asks Dilbert, "Would he fit in?" Dilbert replies, "Unfortunately, yes."
Dilbert sits in his new office. He thinks, "Aah.. Even the desk feels better when you have your own office." Dilbert leans back in his chair and thinks, "The fluorescent lights are warmer and brighter." Dilbert is sleeping in his underwear on top of his desk. The Boss says to Carol, "Remind me to teach him when to close the door."
Dilbert points to a slide and says, "We can fix our incomprehensible user interface for a million dollars." Dilbert continues, "Or we can close our eyes and wish real hard that our users won't care." The Boss closes his eyes and wishes real hard. Wally turns to Alice and says, "He's saving a million dollars. What did you do today?"
Dilbert asks, "Do you want to hear what I'm doing at work?" Dilbert's mom is holding a plant. She replies, "Not so much." Dilbert says, "You're supposed to act interested because you're my mother." His mom replies, "Well..." Her voice continues, "I'm not saying you're boring, it's just that everything you talk about is boring." Dilbert says, "That's the same as saying I'm boring." Dilbert's mom is watering a plant. She responds, "Only when you talk." Dilbert asks, "But you care about me, right? When I hurt, you hurt?" Dilbert's mom has put down her plant. She says, "Actually, the electrical impulses in your brain don't fly across the air gap to my brain." She continues, "You could be writhing in agony and I wouldn't feel a thing." Dilbert looks down and says, "Ouch." Dilbert's picks up her plant again and says, "air gap."
Dilbert and Wally stand in the hallway looking into the conference room where the Boss is having a meeting. Dilbert says, "They must be talking about the layoffs." Wally says, "I'd like to be a fly on that wall." Suddenly, "Poof!" and Wally is turned into a fly. Wally is seen in fly form, with his head on a fly's body. He says, "Great...the one time I get my wish..." Wally flies into the room as the Boss says, "Let's focus on our priorities and make rational budget decisions." The whole room erupts in laughter: "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!" The Boss continues speaking as Wally flies in close to his coffee and donut. The Boss says, "Back to reality. I'll fire Ted; he creeps me out. Who else do we hate?" Wally lands on the donut as the Boss says, "Hey, my donut is gettting eaten by the world's ugliest fly!" Wally says, "Bonanza!"
Dilbert sits across from Parrot Man and says, "Your idea won't work. The components are too close. They will overheat." Parrot Man leans back and says, "Let me explain something to you, Dilbert." Parrot Man points to a piece of paper and continues, "These components will overheat. They are much too close." Dilbert is angry as Parrot Man goes on, explaining, "The reasons involve heat and something I call 'proximity'" Dilbert puts his hands to his head and screams, "GAAA!!!" Parrot Man says, "I don't have time to explain all the details." Dilbert throws his hands up and yells, "You take everything I say and repeat it back to me like I'm a moron!!" Parrot Man suddenly stands up with his arms outstretched in a trance-like state and says, "Excuse me, but I hear a clicking sound and feel compelled to eat a sunflower seed."
Tags #punish me, #manage annual business plan, #beg co workers, #information, #budget needs, #lies, #ignore you, #underscoring unimportance, #combine lies and guesses, #ballof data, #senior mangement, #budget decions, #magazine articles
Asok is in the bosses office. Asok says, "Did you call me here to punish me?" The boss is sitting behind his desk. The boss says, "No, no, Asok. I want you to manage our annual business plan process." Asok says, "How so I do that?" The boss says, "First, you beg your co-workers for information about their budget needs." With a close-up on Asok, the boss continues off-frame "Half of them will give you lies. The other half will ignore you. Thus underscoring your unimportance." The boss continues, "Then you'll combine the lies and guesses into a worthless ball of data for senior management." Asok faces the boss as the boss says, "Then our CEO will make budget decisions based on magazine articles." Dilbert asks Asok, "How bad was the punishment?" Asok says, "Worse than I expected."
Dilbert, on the phone, says, "I'm trying to find someone who can help me with a payroll problem." A worker on the phone says, "You're close. I'm the guy who forwards your call to the wrong person." Dilbert says, "I'd like to speak with your supervisor." The voice on the other end of the line says, "I'll forward your call."
The Boss tells Wally: "I want you to perform a Gap Analysis for our department." He continues: "Be completely honest." Later, Wally reports: "The Gap is located between two pointy tufts of hair that move about the office."
The Boss sits at the conference table and says, "If you don't finish the project on time, I'll probably lose my job." Asok the Intern asks, "What would happen to us?" Dilbert answers, "We would get a better boss." Wally continues, "We might get a better project too!" Alice goes on, "There would be weeks of confusion with no work at all!" Everyone shouts, "YAY!!" Alice holds her hands close to her chest and says, "It's all ours if we simply do less work!" Alice says, "Whoo! I've never felt my morale go up before. I'm dizzy." The Boss looks at his paper and curses, "#$%^$#!"