Death Spiral Comic Strips - Page 6

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

230 Results for Death Spiral

View 51 - 60 results for death spiral comic strips. Discover the best "Death Spiral" comics from Dilbert.com.

Engineering

Thank you for voting.
Engineering - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 23, 2014's comic on:


Tags #engineers, #hiring, #negativity, #personality tests, #resumes, #special algorithms, #personality, #stupidity, #engineering, #psychology

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert: No one looks at resumes anymore. Now we use special algorithms to see where your personality fits in our culture. Man: That process sounds like a steaming pile of stupidity that will beat itself to death in a few years. Catbert: I'll start you in engineering. You'll fit right in.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 24, 2014's comic on:


Tags #cruelty, #project, #behind schedule, #dark fast, #death, #die, #medical

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Your project is behind schedule. Is there any to finish sooner? Alice: Well, in the long run, we all die, so you could die right now and get to your endpoint faster. Boss: You went dark fast. Alice: I had that one in the hopper.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 11, 2014's comic on:


Tags #efficiency experts, #employee tracking, #wandering aorund, #meetings, #restroom trips, #employee monitoring, #wrist monitor, #low levels of caffeine, #typos up, #beat authority figure, #tablet computer, #danger signals, #workloads

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Okay, let's see how employee 3452378 is doing. According to our employee tracking system, you have wandered around the office 17% more than the average employee. Dilbert: Maybe I have more meetings than most people. Boss: No, most of the difference is in restroom trips and detours past an attractive woman's desk. Your wrist monitor shows unacceptably low levels of caffeine for your workload. That's probably why your typos are up 9% and you have looked away from your workstation nine more times than last month. Now your wrist monitor indicated a desire to bean an authority figure to death with his own tablet computer. Phew! Your brain's wuss subroutine just kicked in. The danger has passed.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 06, 2014's comic on:


Tags #bodily fluids, #buggy, #ceo reputation, #competitors, #death, #medical, #misleading ads, #not selling, #overriced, #owls, #pal costume, #product failure, #product name, #super yacht, #vaguely racist

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: We need to figure out why our new product isn't selling well. Dilbert: It's buggy and overpriced. Wally: OUr competitors sell a far better product at half the price. Asok: Our ads are overtly misleading and vaguely racist. Alice: Our product name reminds people of bodily fluids and death. People hate us because our CEO has an endangered owl shooting range on his super yacht. Boss: Does anyone have an idea to fix all of that? Wally: Maybe. Do you own an owl costume?

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 07, 2014's comic on:


Tags #stress, #experiment, #flattened organization, #best play, #beat each other, #coffee, #mugs, #smooth transition, #science

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: Our experiment with flattened organization failed. I'm your boss again. Dilbert: I think our best pay here is to beat each other to death with our coffee mugs. Boss: No one said the transition would be smooth. Dilbert: Make the first one count.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 20, 2014's comic on:


Tags #death & dying, #inventions, #health directive, #technological progress, #transhumanism, #kill me, #robot body forever, #make painful

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I'm updating my health directive to account for technological progress. When the age of transhumanism is upon us, I want you to kill me so I don't live forever in a robot body. Dogbert: Sure. Can I make it painful? Dilbert: Why would you even ask that?

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 19, 2014's comic on:


Tags #death & dying, #inventions, #cryonics, #preserve brain, #transhumanism, #robot body, #staus update, #favors, #repaid

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: Cryonics will allow me to preserve my brain until the age of transhumanism so I can live forever in a robot body. Boss: Dilbert, I need a status update on why your last status wasn't updated. Dilbert: Please kill me now. Wally: I don't do favors that can't be repaid.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 22, 2013's comic on:


Tags #embarras myself, #emotional meltdown, #panicked, #public speaking, #substance abuse, #worry

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I'm panicked about my presentation tomorrow. Wally: Relax. What's the worst that could happen? Dilbert: Well, I could embarrass myself in a career-ending way. Wally: Oh. I didn't think about that one. It might be so bad that you can't even get a recommendation for a future job. Then you'd have an emotional meltdown followed by substance abuse, untreated health issues, and a lonely death. And it could all happen because of something as trivial as a typo on one of your slides. I guess I can add "comforting" to my list of things I'm no good at.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 08, 2013's comic on:


Tags #death & dying, #negotiating, #work ethic, #raise, #workload, #incentive, #work harder, #disgruntled, #no meaning, #dreams lie broken

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: If you finish your project in twelve months, I'll give you a five percent raise. Dilbert: I would gladly give up five percent of my future pay to avoid a doubling of my workload. Boss: You don't understand. I'm giving you an incentive to work harder. Dilbert: No, I'm pretty sure you're charging me five percent of my future pay to sit here and feel disgruntled. And it's working. I hate you more than ever and I no longer find meaning in my work My dreams lie broken and empty beneath the ruins of my optimism. Boss: I can't tell if your negotiating or dying. Dilbert: It's a little of both.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 15, 2013's comic on:


Tags #apathy, #death & dying, #distress, #rearrange bits, #already dead

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: All I did this week was rearrange bits on the Internet. I had no real impact on the physical world. I can't rule out the possibility that I'm already dead and I don't know it. Okay, still an open question.